To couples that come full circle
When looking for love, there’s no rule that says you have to find it somewhere new
Getting back together with an ex is not unusual, but it seems to be happening a lot more since the outbreak of Covid-19. It’s hard being single right now, more so if you live alone. There’s the isolation, the anxiety, the fact that dating — real dates, with dinners, movies and intimacy — can put you at risk of catching the virus. The pandemic has also given people more time for introspection. Forced to simplify our lives, we’ve had the chance to re-examine what we want, need and truly value.
That’s how it was for Tanya and Nishant, both 30. They first met at a Mock UN conference when they were in their teens. Since they both lived in Bangalore then, they continued to meet, socialise and even started a small entrepreneurial venture together.
Then Nishant left to study further in the US. By this time, Tanya had fallen in love with him. He said he didn’t feel the same way, yet he wanted her around every time he was in India. Tanya, always hoping his feelings would change, dropped everything to be with him whenever he was in town, including people that she was dating at the time. This went on for about four years.
Finally, in 2019, she decided to break the pattern. She was on a good trajectory and was meeting interesting people through dating apps and friends. Then the world as we knew it disappeared. Tanya couldn’t really date any more. On a Zoom meet-up with friends, Nishant and Tanya ran into each other for the first time in over a year. They ended up being the last ones to leave.
Nishant called her two days later, and every day from then on. In the first week of May, he told her he loved her, that he had from the start and had only denied it because he didn’t think a long-distance relationship would work. The lockdown had helped put things in perspective for him. He really wanted a relationship with her now.
Tanya had waited so long to hear him say this, but she was sceptical. What if he didn’t really mean it? What if he changed his mind once circumstances changed?
From all the way in the US, Nishant had to prove he was serious. Over long conversations, he laid out his plans to return to India, set up a life with her, talk to their parents. The two are now engaged. And theirs was by no means the only such tale I heard through 2020.
In another example, Samir 35, and Pooja 37, had met through work and dated for two years before parting amicably five years ago. They’d just grown apart, they told friends. Their lives were focused on their work. They barely spent any time together.
In the pandemic, Pooja gave Samir a call. They’d met at parties from time to time but hadn’t really talked in years. Long chats on the phone led to meetings. They bonded over how awful most of their dates since the break-up had been, and they realised that they had each been the other’s benchmark.
They got back together, resolving to make more time for each other this time around. They know where the pitfalls are, and I am hopeful that this second chance they’ve given the relationship will work out.
When coaching men and women who are considering getting back with an ex, I encourage them to start by articulating to themselves the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out the first time around.
If the reasons include abuse (physical, verbal or emotional), disrespect or foundational issues (differences over living with parents, religious beliefs, whether to have children), then I suggest they err on the side of caution and look elsewhere. These are huge red flags that should not be ignored.
But if the reasons were relatively benign — perhaps one wasn’t ready for a commitment and needed time, or relocated to another city or country, or the spark died out — then it is possible to arrive at a point where your paths merge again. People change, opinions change, circumstances can be altered. And when that happens, I always say, give love a second chance.