What forms the soul of a relationship?

Kindness, sensitivity and indulgence, when reciprocated, can combine to form a bond that becomes bright, enduring, unshakeable

Intrigued by my line of work, a friend I met recently after a gap of many years peppered me with some really interesting questions. Why do people want to be coached on the step-by-step, hows and what to dos of a first date? How can one avoid the perils of unrequited love? What constitutes the soul of a relationship?

Given that he is a vipassana practitioner, that last one didn’t surprise me at all. It is something I think about too. What is that powerful but invisible essence and core of a relationship? Over the years I have consciously observed couples I know that have great relationships.

Among one couple that has been together for 16 years I see a regular occurrence of the husband pre-empting or insisting on doing anything that strains her back. His wife has had a bad back since her teens.

Initially I wondered if it didn’t sometimes irk her, this way he had of jumping up every time she began to bend. But I’ve known them a decade now, and clearly he meant it because he’s still as sensitive to her bad back as he ever was. He just can’t bear to see his wife in pain, and will do whatever he can to prevent it.

It’s not just him; here is my observation of what she does. Though she has never eaten meat, fish or eggs, because she knows he is a meat lover, she’s become an expert on where to find the best cuts. If she hears someone talking about a new find, she’ll stop whatever conversation she’s in the midst of to learn more.

Closer home, I notice that my husband, if he sees that I’m already under some stress, never tells me any unpleasant news. He waits until things are calmer for me. Because I have now experienced just how much this helps, I make sure I do the same for him.

There is one couple I know that is really my benchmark in this. Both of them indulge each other in their own ways. From the start, she has accommodated a very unusual social habit of his, with love. During dinner parties, as soon as he has finished his meal, the husband announces that he is sleepy and waves goodbye. First-time guests are always stunned, forks frozen in the air. The wife invariably laughs lovingly and says, “There goes my Cinderella”, lightening the mood and continuing to be a warm hostess.

As for him, it seems to me that his entire being revolves around her. I have heard him say to her from time to time, in soft undertones and with a smile: “I love you, my sweetheart, much more than I did yesterday”. I can still see her loving smile in response, and it warms my heart to remember it.

So back to the question of what makes up the soul of a relationship, I believe the answer will continue to evolve. As of now, I go with this summary: It is care, sensitivity, compassion, kindness and indulgence, which, when reciprocated, begin to form a bright, enduring bond between two people. A powerful yet invisible force that makes any relationship unshakeable at its core.