BE THERE FOR YOUR PARTNER

A depressed spouse can a put huge strain on your relationship. Here’s what to do

Over the past few years, people have begun opening up and discussing depression and other mental illnesses. However, there still needs to be greater awareness about how to help people suffering from such ailments. A depressed spouse can take a toll on a relationship, which makes it important for people to know how to effectively deal with their depressed partners.

Dr Shamsah Sonawalla, consultant psychiatrist, says, “Depression can affect interpersonal relationships. One partner may have to face the brunt of negative emotions (of the other), perhaps take on a greater share of household responsibilities, finances, and may feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Social and family life can also be affected.”

It might seem a daunting task, but it’s quite possible to help a person with mental illness, according to Dr Alpes Panchal, consultant psychiatrist. He points out that acceptance has to come first. “Depression is like having diabetes. You don’t get angry with someone who has diabetes, because they can’t control it. Similarly, one can’t get angry with someone who has depression. They can’t control it if there’s a fall in the serotonin levels in their brain. Once we accept that our partner has an illness, it’s easier to treat them rationally, not emotionally,” he says.

DON’T FEEL HELPLESS

Depression is complex and can manifest itself in many ways.

Psychologist Tanvi Sardesai says, “It’s common to feel helpless. It’s also common to feel like you may be contributing to the problem. You must realise that this isn’t your fault. Your partner may become irritable often and may say hurtful things. Do understand that depression is real, and it’s an actual disorder. It’s important to realise that you play an important role in their life. It’s also equally necessary to take care of yourself.”

Psychiatrists stress that listening can help the most. Panchal says, “Do listen to your partner’s problems. They might repeat them again and again. Maybe they don’t want a solution, and just want to be heard. Don’t trivialise the problems. Don’t encourage the partner to fight it out, or let it pass. You wouldn’t do that for diabetes or malaria.”

Sardesai says that putting yourself in your partner’s shoes will help you see what they are going through. “Be supportive. They are going through a tough time and they need you,” she says.

CARETAKER’S BURDEN

When one is suffering from depression, their partner may suffer from what is known as the caretaker’s burden.

Panchal says that the caretaker might also feel depressed, and become unwillingly dragged into the clinically depressed partner’s negative thought processes.

To deal with this, he advises, “It’s a good idea to empathise with your partner, not sympathise with them. You don’t have to feel bad that they’re ill. You have to help them get through this illness. Joint counselling sessions are very important.”

The expert also says, “The caretaker has to realise that their efforts have no correlation with the patient’s improvement. There’s no point becoming frustrated if you try a lot and get minimal results. The important thing is to be there for your partner.”