MISSION MAMATA
Inside the secret assembly of powers threatened by the Bengal Chief Minister
In an interview with an American daily, Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee has said that there is an international conspiracy involving Pakistan’s ISI, North Korea, Venezuela, Hungary and Indian Marxists and Maoists to eliminate her. INDIA TODAY investigates this nefarious plot and reveals the mysterious mastermind behind it all.
( The following discussion takes place in a conference room located deep within a remote territory referred to on the map as Terra Incognita. The participants in the discussion sit at a table presided over by a strange figure taped up like an ancient Egyptian mummy. It remains silent throughout.)
The people present, with the exclusion of the mummified figure, greet each other with their national salutations, beginning with Venezuela. Venezuela Hola, amigos! ( Hello, friends.) Hungary Yo, bro. Wassup? How’re they hanging? ( Since no one but Hungarians can understand Hungarian, at international fora Hungary’s official language is American street slang.) North Korea Kimchi! ( The North Korean delegate has been instructed by his Supreme Leader not to say anything but ‘ Kimchi’ right through the discussion, lest he inadvertently says something that might reveal details about the country’s nuclear arsenal.) Indian Maoist Lal Salaam! ( Red salute!) Indian Marxist Cholbe na! ( It won’t do!) Pakistan’s ISI Hindustan murdabad! ( Needs no translation.) Venezuela ( indicating the enigmatic figure at the head of the table): OK, so we’ve all gathered here at the behest of our host to identify The Single Most Dangerous Threat To Civilisation The Way We Know It. So, what is The Single Most Dangerous Threat To Civilisation The Way We Know It? The White House? Volatile oil prices? The UPA Government’s decision to hike the price of petrol by 7.50 rupees a litre— whatever the heck a rupee is— that’s got the Indian middle class up in arms? Hungary Greece getting its ass kicked, yo? North Korea Kimchi? ISI Indo- Pak peace process? Interlocutors on the Kashmir issue? Maoist Class enemies? Marxist Running dogs of capitalism? Venezuela ( opening the folded sheet of paper passed on by the figure at the head of the table): It seems we’ve all got it wrong. The Single Most Dangerous Threat To Civilisation The Way We Know It is none of the things we suggested. It would seem that The Single Most Dangerous Threat To Civilisation The Way We Know It is someone called Mamata Banerjee. ISI Is she a breakaway faction of the Hurriyat? Hungary Who de cat? ( Who is she?) North Korea Kimchi? Maoist Chairman Mao is our Chairman! ( Standard Maoist response to anything they can’t understand.) Marxist You mean that gaga woman? Venezuela Gaga? Mamata Banerjee is Lady Gaga’s real name? No kidding? Wow! Marxist Oof, oh! Not gaga as in Lady Gaga. Gaga as in crazy, zany, loony, batty, off one’s rocker, paranoid… Venezuela ( cutting Marxist short): OK, OK. We get it. So the person in question is a bit eccentric. So what? If there was a global contest for eccentricity my president would win hands down. But that hardly qualifies him to be the Single Most Dangerous etc, etc. North Korea Kimchi! ISI No compromise on Kashmir! Hungary Gimme a five, man! Maoist Chairman Mao is our Chairman! Mamata Banerjee is not Chairman Mao! Ergo, Mamata Banerjee is not our Chairman! QED. Marxist What a nonsense! (‘ What a nonsense’ in Bengali Marxist doctrine means ‘ Utter rubbish’.) ( The figure at the head of the table hands over another slip of paper to Venezuela who reads from it.) Venezuela ( reading from paper): ‘ Mamata Banerjee constitutes The Single Most Dangerous Threat To Civilisation The Way We Know It because she is attempting to change the world historic order by projecting herself as the strongest leader Bengal has ever seen.’ Well, well, what do you know. Changing the world historic order, eh? That’s pretty serious stuff. So shall we decide to eliminate this Mamata Banerjee, whoever she is? Eliminate her from the history books, of course. Not eliminate her in real life. All in favour say ‘ Aye’. ( Everyone says ‘ Aye’, except North Korea who says ‘ Kimchi’. The figure at the head of the table stalks out with a satisfied air.) Hungary Who dat dude, Jude? ( Who was that?) Venezuela Dunno. He never introduced himself. But I heard one of his followers referring to him by a synonym for Great Leader. I think the word used was Netaji… North Korea Kimchi! ( North Korean for ‘ Holy cow!’)