THE VVS LAXMAN TEST
In 1990, British Conservative MP Norman Tebbit devised what he thought was perfect proof of a British citizen’s loyalty. His means test was cricket: Whether you cheered for England or the land of your origin in a match. I propose a few other tests borrowed from the world of sports for our politicians. Even a partial application will transform governance for the better.
The VVS Laxman Test Politicians should know when to retire. Look at the master batsman. All it took was the suggestion by a selector that the series against New Zealand would be his last and a couple of critical columns. And he was gone, poof. We know a few veteran politicians who need to administer this test to themselves with immediate effect. We could start with Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.
The Mary Kom Apology Mary Kom, a farmer’s daughter from Manipur, overcame tremendous odds to win India its first bronze in women’s boxing. Yet she apologised to the nation. We still haven’t heard anything even remotely apologetic from Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi— we’ve been waiting 10 years. Or from Assam Chief Minister Tarun Gogoi.
The Sushil Kumar Test Sushil Kumar won us a wrestling bronze in 2008 and a silver in 2012. He could retire and make enough money off endorsements from hair oil to underwear. Instead he is hungry for more, dreaming of a third medal in Rio 2016. And then there is Rahul Gandhi who seems to have lost his appetite for the big fight after spearheading the Congress loss in Uttar Pradesh.
The Gagan Narang Shot As you can guess, I am not a bronze- sceptic. I truly believe the Bronze Age of Indian Olympics is a prelude to the Golden Age, especially in previously unheralded sports where fire in the belly has to meet high tech training systems. Narang is a particular favourite. Which other man can call three cities his home, being equally comfortable in shooting ranges in Delhi, Hyderabad and Pune, and shift seamlessly between all three? We would suggest the test be administered to some politicians who can’t win an election from anywhere— we could start with Ghulam Nabi Azad but first we would have to find him.
The Vijay Kumar Seize Your Moment Test Strike when the iron is hot. The nation loves you now. So be like Vijay Kumar and demand a promotion in exchange for your shooting silver. That would have been Priyanka Gandhi during the 2011 Uttar Pradesh Assembly elections. Will her appeal extend beyond Rae Bareli now? Or has her moment passed?
The Saina Nehwal Test This is a variation on the VVS Laxman Test but involves ending one’s career on a winning note. “I am now going to watch movies and eat chocolates. I don’t care even if I put on weight,” said the badminton ace after winning a bronze. We would like Mamata Banerjee to have said this in 2011 after wresting West Bengal from the increasingly out- of- touch Communists. Pity Mamata chose to govern, instead of devoting all her time to painting and writing poetry.
And finally, may I suggest the Kevin Pietersen Test? If a star performer misbehaves, no matter how starry his performance is, be like the English Cricket Board. Drop him. Mukul Roy would head this very long list of Union ministers to whom it should apply.
LIKE THE MASTER BATSMAN, POLITICIANS SHOULD KNOW WHEN TO RETIRE. WE KNOW A FEW VETERAN POLITICIANS WHO NEED TO ADMINISTER THE VVS LAXMAN TEST TO THEMSELVES WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.