‘I was 23 when I realised I was gay. I told my parents. The next day they sent a box of mangoes for my partner at the time’
“WHEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS AGREE TO BE TOGETHER, NO ONE SHOULD TELL THEM HOW TO LOVE”
Restaurateur, chef, Delhi’s diva of Italian cuisine; Ritu Dalmia, 43, is one of the four, who as part of the LGBT community, came together to file a PIL against Article 377 in June 2016; fearless, impulsive, nonconformist; fighting for the freedom of the sexually marginalised; pushing for the freedom to love and think in India
Icome from a conservative Marwari family; from the time you are growing up there is fear instilled in you that if you don’t do this, you won’t get married, or if you do this, you will be judged as a loose character. My freedom came when I was 12, when I knew I wanted to go out and work. I’d carry my father’s briefcase around, and while no one took me too seriously, I knew what I wanted to do. All my life I have done what I wanted to do, whether it is the person I chose to love or my career. When I started in this profession, since I come from a Marwari family, I had people asking, “Will you be cooking meat, serving beer?” They saw mine as a menial job. But I’ve done everything on my own terms because I strongly believe that we have to discover ourselves from our mistakes. That’s the freedom everyone needs; to take decisions, right or wrong.
My parents were always supportive. I moved to London at 22 to open a fine dining Indian restaurant, Vama, and they were terrified for me. I had financial independence and I feel that makes such a big difference. Most people don’t have the freedom of choice, as they are dependent on fathers or husbands. I am impulsive, and don’t generally care about consequences. As far as being gay goes, I am a chef first, my sexuality is inconsequential. But when we (hotelier Aman Nath, dancer Navtej Singh Johar, businesswoman Ayesha Kapur and I) filed the PIL against Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code which criminalises homosexuality, the thought behind it was that rather than complaining about what’s wrong with our system, we’d do something about it. We all have the urge for freedom but our environment is so oppressive we falter sometimes.
Freedom to love is not just about sexuality. We live in a strange country where homosexuality has always existed. Our mythology is full of it. It was the Victorians who came and changed that. In India, two men hold hands on the streets and no eyebrows are raised. We all need to have freedom to think, speak out. When two consenting adults agree to be together, no one should tell them how to love. I was 23 when I realised I was gay. I did not question it at all and was comfortable with it. At some point, I spoke to my parents and while they were in shock they said nothing. They wanted me to be happy. The next day they sent a box of mangoes to my partner at the time. It was their way of accepting things.
I feel that freedom has to come from within ourselves. I live in an urban environment and carry no shame but it is horrifying how badly some people are treated because of their sexuality. Do we want India to be a Nigeria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia? Is that the progressive, modern India we aspire to? The Constitution talks of freedom to love and then we have something as regressive as Article 377. It’s sad that when homosexuality was criminalised in 2013, the judge said he had never met a gay person in his entire life. That’s why we filed the petition. We wanted people to wake up and smell the coffee. If things are to change, it has to begin with each one of us.
(As told to Prachi Bhuchar)