SURVIVING MEN AND THEIR ODDITIES
Keep it simple and straight, don’t repeat yourself, and don’t fake it if you dislike his friends and family
You know what they say about things that you make the most fun of? That they come right back to haunt you and have the last laugh? Well, true story in my case. My life in men is divided into two parts—before and after June 23, 2009. This was not because the species redeemed themselves in my eyes in any way on the aforementioned date, but because on this historic day, my uterus played the ultimate joke on me. After years of making fun of men— boyfriends, friends, father, brother, husband—using them as fodder in my columns, I added one to this already abundant species on this day. I begat a boy. Poetic justice. I instantly began to wonder if I had contributed to the largesse of convoluted, messed up, “I-have-issues”, “My-mother-did-this-to-me” men who are in queue for being rehabilitated. Thenceforth, I felt the need to watch myself whenever I began a sentence with: “All men are…” Or “Why can’t men…” Or “Men just don’t….,” things I was used to saying routinely. A little boy was watching me and I had to pretend his species was not
“A LITTLE BOY WAS WATCHING ME AND I HAD TO PRETEND HIS SPECIES WAS NOT THE SCUM OF THE PLANET
the scum of the planet. Autocorrecting myself is still the hardest thing to do, but I am getting better. I found myself saying many dear gods in the child’s early years. For example, let my son not grow up thinking that handling a remote control device will pass for exercise. Let him not say yes when he means no. Let him know how to say no. Let him be man enough to laugh when it is appropriate and cry when he feels like it.
The little man is now an eight year-old Buddha and although I am doing everything possible to ensure that one day, he will make a good citizen, take charge of his life (and not call me for every little thing) and will make a good boyfriend/lover/partner to a suitable woman or man, I am already having anxiety attacks over being blamed for all his idiocies.
But what they say about a dog’s tail, they also say about anything that has a Y chromosome in it, so I am keeping everything crossable crossed until then.
So, how to survive men. 1 Avoid stating everything in triplicate. This means if you need them to have a bath or brush or floss their teeth, say it once, but say it like you mean it.
2 Say goodbye to nuance. Reserve all the subtext, the tangential referencing, the saying it without saying it for your girlfriends. Do not waste it on the male species.
3 Getting married is perhaps the healthiest thing a man can do with his life. But do not ever tell him that.
4 Act shocked when he says he doesn’t know how to cook and do household chores and go about setting this right with immediate effect.
5 Don’t pretend to like football or cricket just because he does. This is the beginning of the end.
6 If you suspect he is lying, tell him that. Do not act like Kurt Wallander and ask him fact-checking questions. It will just mess with his head. 7 Avoid hypothetical questions. Men don’t see the point. 8 Do not complain that he doesn’t talk about his feelings if all your questions are yes or no questions. 9 If you don’t like his mother, do not fake it at the start. 10 Ditto for his friends or rest of his family.