HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILT
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Understand where your guilt stems from and question its validity. Develop your own way of assessing yourself—you are the arbiter of your scoreboard.
Practice self-compassion—go easy on yourself.
Utilize the learning moments guilt provides—it reveals that you have standards you abide by. —Adapted from Conversations with the Career Doctor
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your own voice? Reflect on why you feel guilty about not attending the 15th family event, even though you attended the last 14. Ask yourself why, even after spending time with your kids, you feel like a failed mom for not picking them up from school. Ask yourself why even though your body is begging for rest, you must cook 28 dishes for four days and stack them in the fridge. Get to the root of these thoughts. … Start the process of becoming self-aware by recording your feelings in a journal. Over time, you will realize that your guilt is a reaction to a belief system that is largely irrelevant.
Take charge of rating yourself: Our guilt stems from the way people around us—those very close to us—determine what is good and bad. Our early childhood conditioning leaves deep imprints, which make us give away our right to create an identity that is our own. While
Conversations With The Career Doctor: By Saundarya Rajesh, Penguin Random House India, 288 pages, ₹399
the advice of our mothers, teachers or mentors has been for our good… not everything needs to be embedded within your belief system. Start taking charge of your scorecard. This may be challenging at first, but over time, as your intentions are clear to those who matter to you, the scorecard will swing in your favour. Communicate simply but powerfully that your identity is your choice and that your parenting, daughterly duties or wifely pursuits are entirely dependent on your determination.
Self-compassion is essential to being your best: Self-compassion, or self-love, is a highly neglected concept in many Indian cultures. The stereotype of the sacrificing mom is so glorified that if we set aside an hour each morning to refresh our bodies or minds, we view that as a luxury. Guilt can be countered only by creating a positive narrative for yourself. What are good things you’ve accomplished? Have you secured your child’s future with your income? Have you helped colleagues through tough times?
Another crucial step is to build empathy and compassion for yourself. The former head of a leading bank said she would look at herself in the mirror every day and state three positive traits of her reflection. Is it that simplistic? Perhaps, yes. But it is also amazingly reassuring.
Guilt as a corrective mechanism: At Accenture, when I was asked if guilt is a negative emotion, my answer was ‘No’. Guilt may be provocative, but it is also a healthy emotion—a feeling that pushes you to think. Experiencing guilt reveals you have been raised with values. It means you developed a sense of right and wrong in your childhood, and that you paid attention to what influential figures in your life had to say.
Ask yourself these five questions: 1) Have you violated your moral standards? 2) Was the situation within your control? 3) Are you feeling guilty because you have failed to meet societal expectations? 4) Are your expectations from yourself reasonable? 5) Do the people you feel you have let down really need your support?
Understanding your feelings of guilt by writing down what you feel is of tremendous help. Explore your emotions with curiosity instead of judgement. Remember this: when approached constructively, guilt is a reminder that you can do better. Rather than getting caught in its trap, not knowing what to do or rushing into hasty actions, if you detach yourself from its thrall and observe what your guilt is trying to tell you, there can be a lot to learn.
Monday Motivation is a series in which business leaders and creative individuals discuss mentors and work ethics.