‘ Criticising is an unacceptable action in a relationship’

I have been married for 18 years and have two sons. Right from my early days of marriage, my husband was insensitive towards me. As time passed, he became verbally abusive. We used to have loud, frequent fights. Most of his habits are disgusting and he insults me very often. Every day, over all these years, I think of one valid reason why I should be with him. But I can’t put the blame on him because I have found my father too like this. If my mother can tolerate him to this age, then why can’t I? All my life I have done what was expected of me. He tries every possible thing to kick me out of his house but his family is a little supportive. He doesn’t even respect his elders for that matter. He doesn’t allow me to meet people or go out.

QI wish to leave everything and go away. How do I cope with this? Please help.

Home is a place where one should feel protected but it appears that you have been going through abuse for 18 years. Even as a child you had witnessed abuse and violence in your parent’s marriage, because of which you have accepted it is normal for husbands to be intimidating towards wives.

It is important that you recognise that you are a victim of emotional or psychological abuse. While you have not mentioned if there is physical beating and coercion even verbal abuse involving name- calling, blaming, criticizing, threatening and depriving freedom are all unacceptable actions. Stones and sticks may break our bones but words will break our hearts.

For coping with the situation you could discourage your husband from abusing you verbally by not participating in the verbal duel. Instead you can leave the sit- uation to stop the escalation and leave your partner without an audience.

Emotional abuse is much more than feeling upset or hurt by something. For counselling it is essential to have a clear understanding of the power inequities in the relationship. It may not be helpful without adequate knowledge of the couple to give advice, as there is a possibility for emotional abuse to be replaced by fists and blows. It is equally important for the partner to recognise his/ her behaviour also. — This query has been answered by Dr

N. Sucharita PhD, from Roshni Counselling Centre, Hyderabad 040- 6666

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