The new normal
It is important to establish the practice of everyone helping out at home instead of the onus falling on a woman
Be it transport, travel, work, schools, airports, restaurants, communication, or housekeeping norms, the world around us has changed and maybe permanently at that. The work from home is here to stay and so we see improvisations and adaptations to do with the newage work paradigms.
Our universe is going through much disruption and change — things may never be the same again — but tell that to the chauvinistic (Indian) man. More often than not, he is still submerged in his chauvinistic ways of ordering around his wife. In fact, he is fossilised in the psyche of his fathers and grandfathers. Perhaps there has been a spurt of initiative from men in the younger generation, with hands-on boyfriends and young partners who rustle up meals together or a man with culinary genius presenting entire meals for his lady love, but I still find this rare and far between. Or else it seems like a one-off gesture.
For whatever it’s worth, let the gentleman get settled into matrimony and the slippers, armchairs, cigar, remote and television take over. Not to mention the orders for tea, coffee, newspaper and other ‘essential requirements’; every minute, there is a call from him to be served hand and foot. This to an extent was a pattern that ruled the Indian home in past generations, and women put up with most of it. But then the times changed and women began to work.
Today, as soon as a couple gets married, the husband slips into the mould he knows and finds comfortable, but the wife is not ready for the conventional format. In these times, she has moved ahead very far from the age-old paradigm of the submissive homebound creature churning out sumptuous meals embellished in exotic garnishes as the pivot of her entire existence. She wants her life to count for more. She wants her existence to contribute to the world.
Cut to now, where while she has achieved and become a persona of her own, she is stuck working at home, just as her beloved partner is. With radical disruptive transformations such as lockdowns and social distancing in place, they have brought about mammoth disruptions to mankind and his ways. In this current scenario, both are stuck at home without any staff to help. Is the woman expected to adapt and manage with the new circumstances while the man continues his work as scheduled, unmindful of any of the excessive workload that this new unique situation has wrought?
It is causing disruptive tremors of dangerous proportions on the Richter scale. The newspapers are reporting it, we are hearing about it all around. He is not willing to change his ways, and the unrelenting COVID-19 and the subsequent lockdown have left her saddled with too much on her plate — working from home, her webinars, and also excessive housework and cooking meals, and, of course, him being in her hair twenty-four seven.
During a recent webinar on ‘Disruption and change in COVID times’ where I was invited as a speaker, I had a couple arguing live when the floor opened up to discussion. The lady was outraged that the entire load of home, hearth and work had fallen upon her while her husband continued with his work regime as if the world was the same, with only the venue for his work changing. This is not an isolated case, this couple is representative of so many couples just unable to cope with the new paradigms of lockdown. It’s incredible to hear from every source around about the negative impacts that the disruption and change of home offices is having on marriages. Not that every couple is going in for a divorce, or mutual incompatibility, but certainly the percentages are alarmingly jumping. There is bound to be incompatibility if there is a discord in the wavelength of the partners.
My advice to the lady would be to stand up for role-sharing at home without making it an issue, and yet being resolute and firm about it. Not apologetic, just very clear about who does what when, timetables and roles delineated politely and agreeably.
If there is bonhomie between the husband and wife then, a happy banter about role sharing is great. I’m not sure if there will be zero resistance, especially with mama’s boys who are very used to being waited on hand and foot. So be prepared to stand your ground unyielding but congenial. It’s always smarter to speak about things welling up inside you gracefully before they steam up and you’re ready to burst. It’s more peaceful to be honest, good-naturedly describe how you wish to run the house and maybe even draw out your timetable. Who puts the dishes in the machine, who brings them out, who brings the coffee, all soiled clothes into the machine et al. Life is about lucidly communicating; whether it’s the good feedback and compliments or the expectations, marriage is about compassion and sharing. Not riding roughshod on each other and taking each other for granted. And for those homes where one person is the earning member, I’d say never let that time come when you begin to think it’s okay to pile all the housework onto your non-earning spouse because you are ‘bringing in the bread’. Always lend a hand, distributing workloads is also companionable and a manifestation of love.