To Be or Not to Be Friends: Matrimony and Friendship

The bliss of matrimony doesn’t have to mean losing your old friends or miss making new ones

I’m distracted from my delectable lemon-cream wafer and coffee as Rohini says sweepingly, “Men after marriage become unsociable!” We are at our Zoom coffeemorning. Each with their own favourite coffee mug curled up on their couch at their own homes as we exchange notes through lockdowns and selfimposed quarantines.

My first thought is, Women are the chatty and more mixing species. But on thinking and carrying the thought around for the opinions of others, it does seem like a rather sweeping generalisation. Of course, it is about individual personality traits, but from the looks of it, it seems to be the experience of many of the friends among the twenty-odd friends chatting here at our virtual soirée. Could it be that many women feel so entrenched in marriage that everything else beyond the new home and hearth and husband fade into a distance in the mindspace? I believe it might be more a ‘marriage syndrome’.

HONEYMOON ENDS, BONHOMIE DOESN’T

Romance of the together-forever bond already has the couple probably waltzing through just on their own twosome, as if alone on life’s dance floors.

Added to which many of us, men and women, get so immersed in the new role and enthusiasm and responsibility of a new relationship and even marriage that we get negligent about what appears to be intrusions in the new paradise.

All well during the honeymoon, I guess, but the outcome in the longer picture is that the man or the woman may find themselves quite alone without the companionable cronies, for an after-work snack or the elevenses exchange of confidences and the stimulating gossip that so extends ones natural need for social bonds as well as those enriching friendly visits. And as matters settle and the newness begins to settle into an everyday routine, human nature is apt to look for company outside, a laugh, a drink, a movie and a little space outside matrimony.

Then, one fine day, the person realises that friends and relatives have moved on by the time you are ready to re-enter the world. The easy familiarity is not something that distance encouraged and there is awkwardness in resuming ties, if at all.

The lesson is obvious—friendships and relationships almost never thrive bereft of nurture, contact and bonhomous exchanges. Also, the appreciation of a people that you vibe with and enjoyed the company of is almost always essential to keep the warmth of friendship glowing. Bonds of synchronicity are not easy to find. A school and college ambience was the right ambience for friends who were like soul mates to be always around and, perhaps why, the best friendships flowered there. You enjoyed the same music and reached out for each other through thick and thin. In came a love angle with a new someone and you began to neglect your soul mates and buddies, and you probably ended up losing that special something. Your friends and soul mates feel neglected and cast away.

COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS AND FRIENDS

The value of friends and constant meetings—nurturing the gentle warm flames—is thus realised only in these times, perhaps after marriage has sunk into its own level, leaving a vacant space. A space that can only be enjoyed with friends, with whom you laughed and cried. Those moments that one cannot relive even with the allimportant spouse whose space is secure but a little in its own niche. The soul mate and buddies hold a special place of their own.

The proliferation of kitty parties (a phrase I abhor and a concept I always had some distaste for), in my more tolerant moments, is also just about trying to recapture the bonds of close interaction and laughter, and sharing a meal. This may work for some or many—different strokes for different folks.

It is perhaps important to realise that bonds of friendship have a special place of their own, which offer succour and encouragement, and offer you respite and comfort through even relationship hiccups. We must give all our relationships their special place, not ignoring or neglecting those who have been special through our growing years. You don’t come by loyal and dedicated friends easily, and giving them up thoughtlessly—assuming they will be hanging around after you’ve had your fill of a new romance—is not wise. Friends and your new love must coexist, and if your newfound partner is really well adjusted and not a controlling person, he will be accepting and even welcoming of your earlier friendships.