When your spouse and best friend cheat on you
Affairs between a husband and his wife’s best friend (or vice versa) do happen a lot. It’s very hurtful to the partner as you feel betrayed
Sonal* was in high school when she and Kunal* started dating though Kunal was more serious about the relationship. One thing led to another and they married at the age of 23. Funnily though, Sonal had actually liked their common friend and fellow classmate Rohit*. “Our engagement date was fixed on Rohit’s birthday, and ironically, I was more excited to celebrate my friend’s birthday than to celebrate my engagement. I made Rohit cut the cake with us,” remembers Sonal.
Post her wedding, Sonal had to quit her job and soon was at the receiving end of her mother-inlaw’s jibes. Kunal seemed disinterested in trying to change his mother’s attitude towards Sonal. “Whenever I could, I’d share my problems with Rohit and he became a source of strength. I tried to commit suicide twice and told Kunal we had to move out of his mother’s house if we had to live together but he didn’t agree, so we separated. During the separation, I started working and meeting my friends again, and Rohit was a part of my friends circle. In the next three years while Kunal and I were headed for a divorce, Rohit and I got close. We’ve been together since,” said Sonal.
“I had a case where the husband often compared the wife to her best friend, which created discomfort, love-loss and distrust among the couple. The wife was hurt and became depressed, seeking help to overcome it. Together, we tried to analyse the couple’s behaviour and collectively concluded that it was the best friend who was the cause of the husband’s behaviour. We got the husband to realise that he was putting his family life at stake. Thankfully, the couple decided to work things between them.”
— DR PRIYA KAUL, spiritual healer and life coach
“I was married for five years and things were okay initially, but I noticed my husband began lying, not spending time at home and taking our dog on long walks at night. I started getting a weird feeling... slowly things started unravelling, and he asked me for a separation though I didn’t know why,” says Sindu who recollects how shocked she was to know it was her friend he was having the affair with. Name withheld
WHEN THE HEART IS LONELY…
With people spending time with close friends, many situations bring a spouse and a mutual friend together romantically, especially as there’s already a familiarity established. According to Dr Neeraj Raj B, consultant psychiatrist, Aster RV Hospital, a person feeling like his/her relationship lacks something looks for other sources to fulfil emotional, psychological or other needs. “Today, the work pressure with people spending a lot of time with colleagues during workhours could also be factors. Personality factors of the people also play a role,” adds Dr Neeraj.
However, being alert can help avert negative consequences.
Payal*, a Kolkata-based professional, talks about how she cut off a divorced friend from her schooldays when she found the latter was getting close to her husband. “She showed much interest in my husband for some time. While we’d hang out together, I began noticing her gazing at him and her intentional proximity to him — it was not a coincidence,” says Payal.
Experts believe it is important to identify long-term goals of those involved in such situations and help them accordingly to smoothly navigate through the situation. Rather than making any sudden changes, they encourage people to communicate, introspect, examine the challenges in the marriage dynamics and if these could be worked out
Payal remembers how her friend’s fun-loving attitude and being the centre of attention gained her much popularity among friends and their husbands. “I could not confront my friend. But I alerted my husband about her and after some time, I
avoided gatherings where she was present. While I really felt bad for her, for I could see she was seeking companionship, I couldn’t let it destroy my marriage.”
A SPOKE IN THE WHEEL
As per Dr Priya Kaul, spiritual healer and life coach, communication becomes the key in such situations where friendship and love are involved. “I had a case where the husband often compared the wife to her best friend, which created discomfort among the couple. The wife was hurt and became depressed, seeking help to overcome it. Together, we tried to analyse the couple’s behaviour and collectively concluded that it was the best friend who was the cause of the husband’s behaviour. We got the husband to realise that he was putting his family life at stake. Thankfully, the couple decided to work things between them.” However, not everyone is as lucky as Dr Priya’s client. Sindu*, a communication professional, caught her husband cheating on her with her friend.
“Experts believe it is important to identify long-term goals of those involved in such situations and help them accordingly to smoothly navigate through the situation. Rather than making any sudden changes, they encourage people to communicate, introspect, examine the challenges in the marriage dynamics and if these could be worked out.