Guilt, anxiety can mar one’s sexual life

Widower’s syndrome is a common condition men experience when they remarry after the death of their spouse

Devastated twice in a span of three years, Ramesh was a shattered man. While three years ago, he lost Usha, his wife of 17 years, to uterus cancer, now he is unable to perform with his second wife.

After his first wife passed away, Ramesh became lonely. Unable to handle the loneliness, he remarried. However, on the first night, Ramesh, though excited about the sex, failed to rise to the occasion, literally. His new wife, who felt he’d cheated her by not revealing his sexual inadequacy to her before the wedding, walked out of the relationship.

What Ramesh experienced is known as “Widower’s Syndrome” a condition in which a widower finds himself wanting to establish a new sexual relationship after the loss of his spouse — and he had no problems with the deceased spouse.

All widowers go through stages of emotional rollercoaster — shock, grief, fixing blame, resignation, rebuilding and finally resolution. And when a widower restarts sexual activities with a new partner, he might need time to regain comfort and confidence. He might even realise that he’s out of practice sexually. Anxiety, guilt and other feelings intrude causing sexual problems. These difficulties are not unusual; the man needn’t get discouraged. Through practice, he can regain sexual comfort and confidence.

A major sexual issue the widower encounters is the feeling that

DR D. NARAYANA REDDY

AFTER HIS FIRST WIFE PASSED AWAY, RAMESH REMARRIED. HOWEVER, ON THE FIRST NIGHT, RAMESH FAILED TO RISE TO THE OCCASION. HIS NEW WIFE FELT HE’D CHEATED HER BY NOT REVEALING HIS SEXUAL INADEQUACY TO HER. SHE WALKED OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. WHAT RAMESH EXPERIENCED IS KNOWN AS “WIDOWER’S SYNDROME”. NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM.

he is unfaithful to his ex-wife. He needs to realize that just because he has sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t or didn’t love his ex-wife; it just means he’s a healthy male who chooses to continue his life despite his loss.

Experiences, both sexual and emotional, are likely to be very different from those with the exspouses. Idealizing the deceased wife puts pressure on the new partner, causing her to feel discouraged and unloved. Instead, by being positive and with determination and perseverance, a widower can bring back meaning to his life.