Husband’s sexual betrayal
Q: My husband frequently goes with his male friends to Bangkok and other such places which are famous for their adult night life. When I object to his trips he says that he does not engage in ‘paid sex’, but just enjoys the company of the boys. I recently saw several pictures of him with several women in compromising positions, because of the iCloud synching of my phone with his phone which he is unaware of. I am very upset not only about his conduct, but also with the lying. I cannot trust him and I also worry about me contracting sexual diseases if he has engaged in risky behaviour. Can he be helped to change his ways or is this a behavioural addiction that cannot be helped? What should be my next step?
This is not a behavioural addiction that can’t be helped. This is a choice that your husband has made in connection to how he enjoys the ‘sexually charged’ company of certain types of women. These compromising pictures could be a fraction of the ‘adult sex oriented’ fun that is possible to be had in a place like Bangkok. There are plethora of options.
The following information is to enlighten you and is not meant to scare you or put you off. Sex tourism is a lucrative trade in Bangkok. This is a well-known fact in tourism circles as well.
Adult oriented sexual services in Bangkok could include any of the following –
A dirty massage with a handjob, blowjob or sex. Visiting go-go bars / strip clubs.
Going for a ‘ping pong’ show where people perform circus tricks that involve their private organs.
Getting ‘a lap dance’
Visiting a ‘Thai soap salon’; where a naked lady of your choosing bathes you in a sexually provocative manner.
Your concern is a valid one as monogamous relationships entail being faithful to your partner at all times. Clearly, this basic expectation has not been met by your husband. Even when your partner isn’t around to keep a tab on your moves, being loyal to your partner is always a choice that one makes.
The fact that he has lied to you – means that he is aware that this his behaviour is not something that you may be comfortable with – let alone approve of.
Yes, it is also true that he could have contracted STDs due to this behaviour and you should definitely be worried in addition to feeling challenged with trusting him.
Your next steps should be as follows –
Discuss what you have discovered through his images and ask him to explain himself first. Silently listen to whatever likely justification he has to offer – for starters.
Try to be solution oriented instead of telling him how ‘bad he is’. He probably already feels compromised due to the fact that you found out something that he tried to hide from you.
You probably want to try to open him up towards problem solving instead of making him go on the defensive. This requires patience and care – even if you aren’t particularly feeling up to being the ‘understanding one’ in the relationship at this point.
You have every right to your emotions, but you can always choose how to respond to this situation. You may very well have what some describe as the ‘moral high-ground’, but if you are hasty about how you approach the topic, the communication will go into shut down or toxic ‘blame game’ mode.
For him to fully understand the extent to which you feel betrayed in this relationship is important. This involves initiating a dialogue or enlisting the services of a marriage counsellor who may be able to mediate effectively between you two.