What happy couples do to resolve issues

While all couples tend to fight on issues like children, money, and in-laws, researchers say that what distinguishes happy couples from others is their approach to conflict. “Happy couples tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict and this is clear even in the topics that they choose to discuss,” said study lead author Amy Rauer, Associate Professor at the University of Tennessee in the US.

For the study, published in the journal Family Process, the research team observed two samples of heterosexual, mostly white, educated couples who described themselves as happily married.

Fifty-seven of the couples were in their mid- to late 30s and had been married for an average of nine years; 64 of the couples were in their early 70s and had been married for an average of 42 years.

The couples were asked to rank their most and least serious issues. While intimacy, leisure, household, health, communication and money were the most serious for the older couples, couples in both samples ranked jealousy, religion and family as the least serious.

When researchers observed couples discussing marital problems, all couples focused on issues with clearer solutions, such as the distribution of household labour and how to spend leisure time.

The couples rarely chose to argue about issues that are more difficult to resolve, researchers said, adding that this strategic decision may be one of the keys to their marital success.

“Focusing on the perpetual, more-difficult-to-solve problems may undermine partners’ confidence in the relationship,” Rauer said. The study also found that focusing first on more solvable problems may be an effective way to build up both partners' sense of security in the relationship.