The tyranny of unconditional love
— Swami Brahmavidananda Saraswati
One of the things that causes harm in a relationship especially in a romantic one, is the idea of unconditional love. Now, what is unconditional love? It is a love that is without judgment,
without expectations, without demands, without a need for the object of love. Most people want to be loved like that. Very few say “I want to love like that.”
Everyone wants to receive unconditional love from their partners, not realising that only a psychologically mature and evolved being can love in an unconditional manner. If we are not psychologically mature, we may not be able to, even receive unconditional love. Our own expectations will colour the unconditional love that the other person can give us. If he/she loves us without judgment, we will wonder, “Does he/she even care?” If he/she loves without expectations and demands, again the same doubt will crop up. “Does he/she really love me? or He/she loves me but doesn’t need me!.” That can be a relationship breaker. He/she has no expectations will be projected as “He/ she does not care whether
I do things or don’t. Even to receive unconditional love, one has to be psychologically very mature. Otherwise all our issues will be projected onto that love. We will sadly declare that this is not unconditional love! This kind of thinking will corrode the relationship.
How can I give unconditional love? If I have a lot of needs and expectations in a relationship, I am not capable of it. There are too many do-s and don’ts in my life. How can I love someone who does not fit into that? It is natural to have a healthy psychological need for the other. Yet, there will be times when the other person cannot fulfil my needs. At that time can I still love unconditionally? So, this idea of unconditional love, which can be the highest form of love that can be there between two people can actually destroy the relationship, because hardly anyone can give or receive it. It is possible when we discover the Atma. (Spiritual organisations keen to be featured in this space contact features@fpj.co.in)