Kink The Factor
For the uninitiated, the concept of Bondage, Discipline and Sadomasochism (BDSM) may seem extreme. However, the practice of BDSM can help people explore consciousness, power, and control at a deeper level, making those who indulge in the act cultivate healthier romantic relationships. Here’s how
This may not be the popular opinion, but I thoroughly enjoyed the Fifty Shades series. The books left something to be desired (for the evident bad writing), but the treatment of the films somehow made up for the obvious holes in the plot. However, we’re not here to discuss a review, but the fact that it’s a franchise that paved the way for erotica in a larger sense. After the success of the books and films, more erotic literature flew off shelves. And while I can’t speak for everyone, there’s no doubt that the films piqued my curiosity around BDSM and instilled in me that desire to explore.
What is BDSM?
It also got me thinking, how healthy was BDSM when it came to sexual expression? Did the practice (that’s been around for centuries) play a role in developing a better understanding of one’s mind and body? Could it help couples form a deeper, healthier connection? Before we delve into the how and why let’s look at what it is. Dr Sagar Mundada, a Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist, sexologist, and deaddiction specialist, says, “BDSM is a term used to describe aspects of sex that involve dominance, submission, and control. The practice typically involves one partner taking on a more dominant role during sex, while the other is more submissive.”
Mundada breaks it down further, explaining exactly what the act entails. “Bondage involves restricting a partner’s freedom of movement, for example, with ropes, handcuffs, or other restraints. Discipline includes previously agreed-upon rules and punishments for a dominant partner to exert control over a submissive partner. Dominance is the act of exerting physical dominance over a partner, either during sex or outside of the bedroom. Submission refers to the act of showing submission to the dominant partner's actions and wishes. Sadism and masochism (or Sadomasochism), on the other hand, is a pleasure that a partner may feel from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism), either physical or emotional,” he explains.
Knotty and nice
While popular culture has hyped the practice, it doesn’t negate the fact that they can present a rather distorted, half-baked view of what BDSM truly is. The relationship described, if you extricate it from a reel life perspective, is toxic and unhealthy from the get-go. “While BDSM was popularised by films like Fifty Shades of Grey, in reality, it is nothing like that. There’s no agreement that people sign handing their life over to another person, and it’s not just about inflicting pain either. It is about the exchange of power and control and when practised correctly, BDSM centres ongoing and enthusiastic consent and explores the line between pleasure and pain safely and healthily,” opines Apurupa Vatsalya, a Mumbai-based Sexuality Educator.
What’s more, while the act may lend the illusion that the dominant partner is in control, the utmost control lies with the submissive partner. “Each person gets to decide what their boundaries (hard and soft limits) are, and they may also decide on a ‘safe word’, which is a word said by someone to a partner during sex when the sex crosses their limits, to indicate that they want to stop,” says Vatsalya, highlighting that this is something that people, in general, can borrow whether or not they practice BDSM.
The pleasure with a purpose
Gratification is undoubtedly the purpose of indulging in newer sexual experiences, but did you know that the benefits and pleasures that BDSM can bring go beyond the bedroom? “BDSM requires candid and clear communication from both partners involved. They understand each other's limits and are ready to trust each other with the same respect they expect. This, in turn, helps foster a strong bond of trust. Moreover, it allows couples to become more open-minded and knowledgeseeking. They learn to accept and respect individual preferences,” Dr Mundada says.
But the practice can have many physiological benefits as well. Research indicates that couples who engage in BDSM activities see a reduction in their levels of stress as a focused mindful state is said to lower blood pressure. “Flogging and spanking increase blood flow to the brain. Moreover, improved communication strengthens a couple’s bond and can release feel-good hormones. Studies have also found that BDSM participants tend to be less neurotic after trying new things by exploring the unexplored, and putting themselves into new experiences,” Dr Mundada elaborates.
No pain, no gain
BDSM is a largely misunderstood form of pleasure. But as the saying goes, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. After all, it’s all about perception. “Most people think of it as coercive, violent or non-consensual. Many do not understand the logic behind it and many others do not know about it making them feel apprehensive about it,” explains Dr Mundada, adding, “There is a lot of verified online material and videos available for people to educate themselves. Going to a sexologist to understand it scientifically is another option. Most important though is an open-minded approach.”
Despite the ample information available for consumption, the hurdle that most people have to overcome is shame. Unlearning years of indignity propagated by society, especially when it comes to sex, is the first step to keeping an open mind. And Vatsalya agrees. “If we can understand sex and sexuality as fluid terms, where each person gets to decide what it means to them, we will be able to become more accepting of sexual experiences that might be different or even antithetical to ours. However, the stigma surrounding these topics means that often the first reaction comes from a place of judgment and even policing,” Vatsalya shares.
Adding futher, she says, “It’s a good idea to start noticing what thoughts, feelings and sensations come up for us when we are exposed to a new idea and learn how one can self soothe instead of projecting onto the other person. As long as pleasure and the five Cs — elements of care, comfort, consent, contraception, and communication are present, it isn’t anybody’s business what one does in their own private time.”