talking tech Duncan Bell descends into Dyson’s lair to uncover his plans for curl domination

Three interactions with retro tech make it clear that the past ain’t what it used to be

“The Dyson HQ sadly turned out to be neither underground, nor hidden in a volcano”

Do you remember that happy time, oh so long ago, when Dyson was known for making stylish and groundbreaking homewares, rather than stylish and groundbreaking ventilators?

I do, and just before the world went loopy and the police started arresting people for shopping for non-essential Easter eggs, I was fortunate enough to go to the Dyson headquarters in Malmesbury. Who could turn that down? Apart from anything else, ‘Malmesbury’ is very pleasing to say out loud, especially in a Roger Moore voice. Mmm…almesbury. At the time, I was allowed out of the house, and Dyson had a new product to show off: the Corrale hair straightener.

The Corrale is an attempt by the Great British Brand to do nothing less than reinvent the hair straightener. It does this by using less heat – ‘for 50% less damage’ – by being cordless, and using flexible plates to grip your hair – not my hair – in a new and exciting way and yadda yadda yadda. Now, as you can tell from the big photo of me next to this piece, I am not all that interested in hair straighteners. But I was certainly interested to go to rich, creamy and fruity Mmmalmesbury, because I wanted to see the top secret lair of dashing air-movement magnate Lord Dyson.

Set in the rolling and expensive Cotswolds countryside, the Dyson HQ sadly turned out to be neither underground, nor hidden in a volcano. It is bloody large and impressive, however. There are acres of workshops and testing facilities. There’s a car park the size of Croydon. There’s a staff cafeteria – one of several, where a fighter jet hangs from the ceiling, suspended above Dyson’s dining employees, almost like some kind of threat. Oh and there’s also a Harrier Jump Jet ‘parked’ outside the main entrance. As you’d expect, James Dyson is a fan of jets.

Then there are the converted aircraft hangars where Dyson is testing its new ventilators. These were previously used as a student social area, because another thing Dyson HQ has attached to it is an engineering college. Yes, really.

In fact, just by wondering about the Dysonplex, you can see just why the products developed there command such high prices.

Dyson doesn’t only do a lot of testing of its products, to ensure they hit statutory standards. Oh no, that would be too easy. They do that, and then they build their own test rigs to ensure their gizmos can pass tests they have made up.

So, for instance, a machine was devised to simulate a 220kg human treading on the Corrale repeatedly, in stiletto heels. Just like in real life! In another top secret lab, robot hands pulled the straightener through tresses of scalped human hair repeatedly, to figure out how a person pulls straighteners through hair. Of course, there’s something funny about a company largely staffed by blokes, developing advanced haircare products that will be used, in the main, by women. Like any enterprise devoted to engineering, Dyson is, despite its best efforts to address the balance, quite the sausage fest. However, there is no doubting their sincerity about wanting to develop the most effective hair care products possible – the effort involved is tremendous.

The Corrale hair straightener, of course, faced the same reception as most new Dyson products, on release. You could hear the gasps at the sheer cost of it – at least double what you’d pay for a GHD hair straightener – from Malmesbury to John O’Groats. The BBC said the price of it would ‘make your hair curl’. Ho ho! However, whatever you think of Dyson, when you see the lengths they go to in designing and testing their products, it’s very hard to say they are ‘over-priced’.

The Corrale is the culmination of nearly a decade of work and millions of pounds spent, and it makes your hair flat. It’s not something I’d want to do but I’m glad someone does.