Pakistan’s existential dilemma: to nuke India, or not to nuke India
Two Pakistani generals pondering their country’s nuclear strategy vis-a-vis their arch adversary, India.
1st general: PM Imran-saheb has really bowled a googly to India.
2nd general: That he has. First he tells the whole world that if India carries on doing what it’s doing in Kashmir, it could mean a nuclear war. Then he says that Pakistan will never start a war, nuclear or otherwise, with India or anyone else. Then another official says Pakistan could start a nuclear war. Which must have got those darned Indians thoroughly confused.
1st general: And to add to their confusion, they know that it’s not Imran-saheb – or for that matter any of these politician fellows – who calls the shots in Pakistan, it us Army chaps who do.
2nd general: Right. So since we call the shots are we going to nuke India, or aren’t we?
1st general: Well, there’s a bit of a problem about that.
2nd general: Problem? What’s the problem? We’ve got lots and lots of nukes, just hanging around waiting to be used against India. Haven’t we?
1st general: We have. And that’s the problem. Having spent all our country’s money on lots and lots of nukes we don’t have any money left over for anything else, including the delivery system for our nukes.
2nd general: Delivery system? Of course we have a delivery system for our nukes. Didn’t we just test fire our Ghaznavi missile to frighten India?
1st general: We did indeed. But that’s not the delivery system I’m talking about. I meant our system which delivers our nukes from their silos to our missile firing site, which is so slow that those Indians would get wind of what we were planning and nuke us before we could nuke them.
2nd general: Couldn’t we get our trains to run faster to bring our nukes to the firing site?
1st general: Trains? What trains? There’s no money to buy coal or diesel to run trains. And the owner of the cart we were using to transport our nukes has gone on strike as we can’t afford to pay for fodder for his bullock ...