PER­SONAL PROB­LEMS

Woman's Era - - News -

IAM A 19- YEAR-OLD STU­DENT STUDY­ING IN STAN­DARD X. I HAVE fallen in love with a boy who is three years younger than I am and is my class­mate. Ac­tu­ally, this boy had been in love with me ever since we both were in stan­dard IV. This is not sur­pris­ing be­cause I am very beau­ti­ful and most of the boys in my class are in love with me. But I had not been in love with this boy ear­lier. I had then been in love with an­other boy who is very pop­u­lar be­cause of his abil­ity to crack jokes and make the class laugh.

But this boy had fallen out of love with me and into love with a new girl who joined our class and I too had fallen in love with an­other boy. But now I am in love with the boy who has been in love with me since we were both in stan­dard IV. How­ever, I have a prob­lem that ev­ery­one in my class, es­pe­cially the girls, are mak­ing fun of me. They are all say­ing that some­thing is se­ri­ously wrong with me, and that I am boy-mad and ab­nor­mal. They are say­ing that they are go­ing to tell our class-teacher about all that I am up to.

Ac­tu­ally the truth is that I have no real friends in my class. So I am wor­ried that my class­mates, es­pe­cially the girls, will com­plain and tell the teacher that I have a bad char­ac­ter. If they do that, I will be in real trou­ble.

I am very wor­ried. Please ad­vice me on what I should do.

While you have given many de­tails of your love af­fairs while you are still in school, you have given very few other de­tails about your­self, your fam­ily back­ground, your par­ents, etc. This leaves many ques­tions unan­swered.

For in­stance, how is it that you are just in stan­dard 10 when you are al­ready 19 years old? And surely your par­ents are aware of their daugh­ter’s ob­ses­sion with mem­bers of the op­po­site sex and wor­ried about this.

And if they are wor­ried, surely they have dis­cussed this with your teach­ers. Even if they were too em­bar­rassed to do this, haven’t they at least dis­cussed your slow progress in stud­ies with them?

You have also not dis­cussed, or in fact, even men­tioned, your fam­ily life or what your re­la­tion­ship with your par­ents is like. You have also not men­tioned any sib­lings you have and how you get along with them. All this is very wor­ry­ing and so is the fact that you say that you have no friends.

Be­cause of this lack of in­for­ma­tion about you and your fam­ily, it is dif­fi­cult to ad­dress your wor­ries or to sug­gest any course of ac­tion that will help you.

It would there­fore be bet­ter if you talk to an older per­son you have con­fi­dence in or you can con­sult a coun­sel­lor.

IWAS DEEPLY SHOCKED AND DIS­TURBED WHEN MY much younger only brother sud­denly died some months ago. I felt the shock all the more be­cause my mother had died just a year ear­lier.

There was also the fact that my brother had just be­gun to es­tab­lish him­self in his busi­ness and I knew that my sis­ter-in-law could would never be able to man­age that, though she had no chil­dren who would need her at­ten­tion. In fact, she was plan­ning to close down the busi­ness and had al­ready gone to live with her par­ents whose only child she was.

But what would hap­pen to my brother’s busi­ness and what kind of life would my sis­ter-in-law live for the rest of her life? Th­ese ques­tions trou­bled me, but even be­fore I could dis­cuss th­ese ques­tions with my hus­band, he said thought­fully that it would be best for my sis­ter-in-law to learn to man­age her hus­band’s busi­ness. He added that as her par­ents were not very savvy about such mat­ters, it would be bet­ter if she came and stayed with us and, as a busi­ness­man him­self, he taught her what she had to do.

I was very touched and thanked my hus­band pro­fusely for his large-heart­ed­ness . I knew that this plan could work since my hus­band’s own busi­ness was in good shape and he had a loyal staff who were run­ning things very well. I my­self worked in a lab and had no ex­pe­ri­ence of busi­ness.

I then ex­plained things to my sis­ter- in- law and her par­ents that very day and, when they all agreed that this would be the best thing for my sis­ter-in-law, I brought her back with me.

My hus­band was true to his words and he took lots of pain with my sis­ter-in-law. He even left his own busi­ness to his se­nior as­sis­tants and de­voted him­self to ex­plain­ing things to my sis­ter-in-law.

In the mean­time, I too got busy with my own work, but it was not long be­fore alarm bells be­gan to ring in my head and I re­alised that my hus­band was hav­ing an af­fair with my sis­ter-in-law!

It took me some days to get the courage to con­front two of them, but when I did so, both were un­re­pen­tant. My hus­band in fact had the au­dac­ity to tell me that as long as I did not make a fuss, I could con­tinue to live in the house!

This was a week ago and for this week, I have been liv­ing cut off from both my hus­band and my sis­ter-in-law in a world of my own while both my hus­band and sis­ter-in­law ig­nored me and had sex .

Now I feel that I can­not sur­vive in this at­mos­phere any longer. And there is no rea­son why I should. I have no chil­dren, a job that gives me a good salary, have made wise in­vest­ments and my hus­band seems to have for­got­ten that that much of our sav­ings is in my name for tax rea­sons.

There is ab­so­lutely no need for you to put up with this kind of in­sult­ing be­hav­iour from your hus­band and sis­terin- law. So plan to leave your present abode, tak­ing all your be­long­ings, your money and your bank pa­pers etc with you, as soon as you can – do­ing this un­ob­tru­sively.

But be­fore you ac­tu­ally leave you have to plan for your fu­ture very care­fully. You may have rel­a­tives or friends who can help you. If you do, take their help to de­cide where you will live. If you do not have any­one who can help you, find out about places where you can stay.

In the fu­ture, you should keep your money and pos­ses­sions safe and be care­ful whom you get close to. Tell any good friends and col­leagues you have about what has hap­pened and start a new life. But be care­ful, not to tell all and sundry the de­tails of what you have been through.

But be­fore that, be pre­pared for your hus­band to de­scend on you and to de­mand that you re­turn his money. Stand firm if he does this and be ready to go to the court to fight for your rights!

EV­ERY­ONE WHO KNOWS MY HUS­BAND AND ME THINKS THAT

we are a very suc­cess­ful cou­ple. This is be­cause though both of us started small, we both did well in our ca­reers and earned pro­mo­tions, reg­u­lar in­cre­ments and very good rep­u­ta­tions for our­selves in the com­pa­nies we worked for. Be­sides this, we raised our two chil­dren very well and our son be­came a doc­tor and our daugh­ter, a spe­cial­ist in data anal­y­sis. To­day, both our chil­dren have very good jobs in Eng­land.

Af­ter we re­tired, both my hus­band and I be­gan to di­vide our time be­tween In­dia and Eng­land and had the sat­is­fac­tion of see­ing how well our chil­dren were do­ing, first-hand.

We also helped them get mar­ried to suit­able part­ners whom we in­tro­duced them to.

So, we have had very suc­cess­ful and sat­is­fac­tory lives and have ful­filled all our dreams – but this makes the fact that now the two of us are not at all happy to­gether, all the more strange! we have not been happy for the last two years or so!

What makes it all the more strange is that till two years ago, we had al­ways been close, had gen­er­ally agreed on all mat­ters and had hardly ever quar­relled! But to­day my hus­band is of­ten churl­ish and snaps at me and I gen­er­ally am hap­pi­est when I do not have to see his face!

What has hap­pened to the two of us? We are now ac­tu­ally think­ing of sep­a­rat­ing – though we know that if we do, our chil­dren will be dev­as­tated. Please ad­vise. Prac­ti­cally all your adult lives, you and your hus­band have been work­ing hard with two ob­jec­tives – the first was to be suc­cess­ful in your ca­reers and the sec­ond was to en­sure that you gave both your chil­dren good foun­da­tions that they could build on so that they suc­ceeded in life in ev­ery way.

Th­ese goals not only kept both of you fully oc­cu­pied all th­ese years, they also pro­vided the two of you with a strong ad­he­sive of com­mon aims that kept both of you close.

But now that you have achieved your goals, both of you are not just feel­ing at a loose end, you are also feel­ing that there is noth­ing hold­ing you to­gether. In fact, both of you have be­gun to feel that in re­al­ity, you have noth­ing in com­mon that can do this!

But con­sid­er­ing that you stayed to­gether and worked to­gether hap­pily for prac­ti­cally a life­time, this can­not be true. What is much more likely is that both of you are peo­ple who need to keep busy and have a goal. So sit down and dis­cuss this with your hus­band and plan how you will keep your­selves use­fully oc­cu­pied – and then en­joy­ing your­selves!

IAM A 22- YEAR-OLD WO­MAN AND AM THE ONLY CHILD OF MY par­ents. My par­ents have strug­gled hard all their lives as both sets of my grand­par­ents barely ed­u­cated their chil­dren be­fore they left them to their own re­sources. Both my par­ents then had to come up the hard way and were un­able to reach their full po­ten­tial.

For this rea­son, my par­ents have from the be­gin­ning, wanted me to ful­fil all their dreams. They wanted me to top in ev­ery school and col­lege ac­tiv­ity, to later get a fantastic job and then make all their dreams come true.

In spite of my be­ing a top­per, my dreams are dif­fer­ent. I love paint­ing and mu­sic and can spend hours at th­ese ac­tiv­i­ties. I am also a dreamer and am not at all am­bi­tious. If they re­alised this, my par­ents would be hor­ri­fied, but till now I have been able to fool them by us­ing my brains.

But now I have fallen in love with my next door neigh­bour and I do not know how much longer I will be able to fool my par­ents. This neigh­bour is nearly my father’s age and though I have known him all my life, I have really looked at him only now! This came about when my father re­quested this neigh­bour, who is a very in­tel­li­gent, to help me with gen­eral knowl­edge. It was dur­ing th­ese ses­sions that the two of us re­alised that we loved each other. I am not ashamed to say that I was the one who pro­posed and asked this won­der­ful man to marry me!

Now I want to have sex with this man and he is even more keen to have sex with me! In fact he is not able to keep his hands off me when I go to his home for my “classes”! What I now need is ad­vice on how I should tell my par­ents that I want to marry this man.

Do you not find many things about your “love af­fair” strange? Why did this man who is nearly your father’s age, never got mar­ried? How is it that af­ter liv­ing next to each other all th­ese years, he waited till now to fall in love with you? What are his plans? And as far as you are con­cerned, why are you sud­denly at­tracted by this much older man with whom you have lit­er­ally noth­ing in com­mon?

Ac­tu­ally, your prob­lem seems to be that you do not like the plans your par­ents are draw­ing up for you, but you do not have any plans your­self. Why don’t you dis­cuss this frankly with your par­ents. Surely, while they are am­bi­tious for you, they also love you and want you to be happy. And when they had to make com­pro­mises in their own lives, why would they not be ready to make other com­pro­mises to en­sure that you are happy?

As far as your lover-boy is con­cerned, he is bad news and you should have noth­ing more to do with him!

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