You can’t stand your child’s partner and are considering speaking up... but should you?
Watching your offspring begin relationships of their own can always bring mixed emotions, but what if you don’t like them? Psychotherapist Stephanie Regan offers her advice for parents
ONE of the many challenges facing parents as their beloved child grows into adulthood is the matter of boyfriends, girlfriends and most especially the ones who become their life partners. But what should you do if you feel a dislike for them?
In my clinical room, I hear a lot of family rifts, heartbreak and confusion around this issue.
In their effort to be good parents, some people feel an obligation to speak out about their views, while adult children struggle to navigate the intensity of love against a backdrop of parental disapproval: “He’s no good for you.” “I think you could do better.” “I think you are being manipulated.”
The question is: how much advice is helpful or even appropriate? Where should it begin and where should it end — and, of course, when is it wise to say absolutely nothing?
Here are five things to consider before speaking up about your child’s partner.
Check your own reaction
While it is instinctive to want to protect your child from making mistakes in life, you must change your focus as they grow.
It has to move from protectiveness, appropriate to the early years, to encouragement of independent thinking in the teenage years, and on to personal responsibility as they enter adulthood.
This isn’t always an easy progression. It is imperative that you look at yourself and how you are as they grow away from you.
Are you over-involved in their choices? Have you enough in your own life to distract you, as your family nest empties? Are your anxieties and worries fuelled by your unconscious desire for them not to leave? Have you invested so much in rearing them that it is difficult to pivot away to your own desires and interests?
I frequently hear parents who are so immersed in the effort of rearing offspring and getting them to college that they’ve lost sight of what they even want for themselves.
Young adults are entitled to make their own choices, good and bad
In love and life, we all learn what is right for us by testing out our initial desires and noticing what and who makes us happy.
Sure, love is complex and intense, and the entanglement can and does preclude clear thinking. But remember, it is they who must choose and learn, not you. It is they who are trying to assess where they are despite the headiness of love. It is they who need to check if they feel good with this person.
As a parent, you can play a positive part in that. Stay open and in touch with your young adult. Chat with the partner when they’re over to visit and be sure to keep the lines of communication open.
Yes, it may be a partner you don’t like and it is possible that you are correct — maybe this person is not the right partner for your child, but that decision and dawning must come from your child, not you.
Your real parental task is to facilitate some clear thinking. In the event of longer commitments followed by a breakup, where you are ‘proven right’ to yourself, remember that “I told you so” will only further burden your child.
On this note, I see parents complicate their child’s love life by liking the partner too much. Parents can be too welcoming and assume the relationship will last, because they see this person as such a good match.
This can make clear thinking difficult and can complicate any thoughts of a breakup for your child. I frequently hear “But my parents love her” and “She’s like a daughter with my mum”. Mmmm, I find myself thinking: ‘Should she be feeling so close to her, and how does this help anyone?’
It’s vital to maintain distance until the big decisions are made. Too much love and approval from parents can equally complicate the picture.
Your child is entitled to make mistakes
Mistakes are how we learn in life. And yes, sometimes those mistakes are as big as a decision to marry the wrong person. Every person I know tries in every way to make sound decisions in love, but the emotional backdrop of our lives complicates the choices we make and often we leave important practicalities aside, in the name of love.
Of course, a 50-year-old parent can see what a 25-year-old cannot. But they may need to live it in order to learn what is missing. Be kind, be their friend, otherwise you simply complicate their decision making.
I see parents ‘laying down the law’ and young people straining for their independence from such interference and, in so doing, cleaving to the boyfriend or girlfriend they may otherwise have let go in another while. So be wise and let your child think for themselves.
What positive role can parents play?
It can really help your child to think more clearly if you maintain a benign, curious position toward the partner, allowing conversation and stories to flow.
If you can praise the positives and somehow steer clear of commenting on the negatives, you may find that your child will notice these negatives themselves and act upon them.
You can help by asking questions that will help your child to think about or assess their situation — but not if those questions are loaded with your already known disapproval.
What if the partner is toxic or controlling?
If you notice worrying signs of coercion or control, remember that distancing from family is exactly the worst thing that can happen here.
A controlling person often likes to find fault with family and friends, isolating the person and making them even more reliant upon them.
In that context, be aware of the campaigns and information freely available on the issues around toxic relationships, coercive control and domestic abuse.
For information from Women’s Aid, see womensaid.org or phone 0808 802 1414.
For Men’s Aid, contact www. mensaid.co.uk or phone 0333 567 0556.
In all cases, maintaining your love for your child and showing them that, no matter what, your love holds steady is the single best thing you can do for them.
Keeping judgement at bay allows them to think more clearly and ensures that you stay as a safe harbour for them.
It may take a while, and it is difficult to watch a mistake or misstep in life unfold before you, but jumping into action can cause untold harm to relationships and ultimately will not help.
‘Parents must change their focus as their kids grow’