‘Rules, rituals and routines are essential for life with a child with ADHD’
Author, educator and parent Zoe Beezer shares her top tips for raising a child who has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
THERE has been a rapid increase in children and adults seeking an ADHD diagnosis, especially since Covid, meaning that many children now face a delay getting an assessment whilst their name progresses to the top of a long waiting list.
Some figures suggest that there has been an increase in demand of up to 400%. In real terms this can mean that young people are waiting many months, and often years, for an assessment.
The ‘triad’ of core ADHD features are: poor attention span, impulsivity and hyperactivity. If your child has some of these key traits, and they have been a persistent challenge for over six months, it may be worth considering an assessment for ADHD.
However, parents and teachers do not need to wait for an assessment to support and understand the child in question, and we have five strategies to share that should help to minimise the frustrations felt by parents, the young person themselves and also teachers when dealing with a child with ADHD.
Each of the suggested tips has its own chapter in our recently published book — Raising An ADHD Child: A Handbook For Parents Of Distractible, Dreamy And Defiant Children — where they are explored and explained in more detail.
Identify strengths and weakness
The first tip is to recommend that you gain an understanding of what your child’s executive functioning profile looks. Executive functions are a group of brain-based processes which control our thoughts, actions and feelings, which in turn help us to hold information in mind, think flexibly and control our impulses.
These are all key skills which impact children with ADHD.
In fact, the list of the separate executive function skill sets reads like a checklist for ADHD: impulse control, working memory, flexibility, sustained attention, task initiation, organisation, planning and prioritising, time management, goal-directed persistence and metacognitive awareness.
ADHD children are likely to have a three- or four-year delay in the development of their executive functioning and, therefore, although you might think you are parenting a 13-year-old, some aspects of their functioning might be more age appropriate to a nine- or 10-year-old.
Whilst this might not provide you with instant comfort, what is important to hold in mind, particularly in moments of high stress, is that a child’s executive functioning continues to develop and mature until well into their 20s.
Therefore, any difficulties or tensions that feel so real in the present moment do not tend to be lifelong, and your child will mature and develop — just maybe not at the same rate as you expect, or at the same rate as their peers.
The more you can understand about your child’s strengths and weaknesses in this area, the more you will know where to target any support.
When you are living through it, relationship tensions and emotional dysregulation are very real and can be a struggle for all involved.
Without doubt, uncontrolled emotional explosions from your ADHD child will be very difficult to live with, but it is important to remember that they are not a personal attack on you, so the key is to try to depersonalise it so that it becomes easier for you to see the struggling child or teen beneath the dysregulated behaviour, rather than simply the behaviour they confront you with.
Prioritise self-care
Therefore, the next tip is to look after yourself first, which in turn will help you to look after your child.
As strange as it might sound, one of the best things you can do is to prioritise looking after yourself.
Parents of children with ADHD often need to be superheroes; some behaviours can be extremely challenging and stressful to deal with, particularly when the behaviour often calls for a negative response from parents.
Therefore, parents of children with ADHD may well become overwhelmed and exhausted far more quickly than parents with neurotypical children.
Become aware of, and keep track of, your own mood, because it will have a direct impact on those around you, including your ADHD child; therefore, selfcare is key.
Build rapport
Another tip, as trite as it might sound, is to communicate effectively and develop rapport and trust with your child.
The majority of communication is not about words, but how those words are delivered — reframing the way we pose functional requests to get things done (such as being ready for school or bed, tidying up etc.) may make a difference to how they are received and acted upon.
Maintain rituals and routines
This leads on to the next tip: maintaining rules, rituals and routines is essential for life with a child with ADHD. It will help to lead to reduced anxiety in your child because they know what to expect. For example, set expectations for getting up, going to bed, mealtimes, homework, organisation, TV and computer games.
You can also have set rules as long as they are achievable and clear. When considering what the rules should be, try to think about things that matter and are non-negotiable to you and your family.
As a family unit, make time where the child will not feel challenged or confronted — a mealtime or when driving somewhere, for example — to discuss the proposed rules that will help to maintain those important aspects of family life.
Decide on three at most to start with that are age and stage appropriate for the youngest member of the household and make them clear, brief and practical to enforce.
Once decided on, everyone in the family should aim to upkeep them.
They can be made more memorable by recording them visually and putting them up in the main hub of the house, such as the kitchen.
By using rules, rituals and routines, you will help to support your child’s impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity.
Communicate with school
And finally, a good working relationship with your child’s school is also key to successfully supporting a child with ADHD. It can help to ensure that there are consistent behaviour management approaches and expectations in both settings.
Open discussions about how to help support your child can mean that sensible options and alternatives are in place to support issues such as organisation and homework requirements.
And remember that what might be causing you a challenge today will not always be so.
And when your child grows up, they will quite possibly be sought out and recruited by some of the giants in industry for their amazing capacity to think flexibly, ignite excitement and innovate.
‘Tensions in present moments do not tend to be lifelong’