The five fights every couple have… and how to solve them

Relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman offer ways to resolve the disputes between partners

ARGUING with your loved one? This is perfectly normal and even considered good, because couples’ relationships who rarely argue may be considered more vulnerable.

Relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman, who have been happily married for 36 years, distinguish five different types of discussions and offer reconciliation techniques to resolve them.

The bomb

Addressing a problem can be enough to burst the bomb. Suppose your other half comes home late. You tried to call, but he or she didn’t answer. Sentences such as “Where on earth have you been?” start an argument quickly. The other is almost obliged to react defensively.

Instead… Go for the gentle approach. Talk about your own feelings first and don’t focus on your partner’s behaviour. Then describe the problem as neutrally as possible, without reproach. Finally, indicate what you need to improve the situation.

The flood

Imagine this all too common scenario: a conversation with your partner develops. Suddenis ly, you feel attacked, misunderstood, angry, trapped, or all at the same time. It’s too much and you feel like you’re emotionally overwhelmed.

Instead… Take a break. Do something calming and agree on a later, calmer time to have a reasonable discussion. Ideally, the timeout should last 20 minutes.

That’s when stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol have left your body. Just don’t wait more than 24 hours.

The tip of the iceberg

Some quarrels seem to be about trivialities: filling the dishwasher, for example. However, a seemingly superficial argument sometimes about something much deeper. In other words: filling the dishwasher can be the tip of the iceberg.

Instead… Slow down and take time to dive deeper. Ask the right questions. “Why is filling the dishwasher in this way important to you? Is there a deeper purpose to it? Do you have any particular values related to it?” Listening, without intervening defensively, is as important here as speaking.

Fixed position

Arguments sometimes revolve around being right. Why compromise when the other person’s point of view is so wrong?

Instead… This is the wrong attitude. Try to be open to the other person’s ideas and be willing to change perspective. First, discuss the non-negotiable aspects of the argument. They are at the heart of your needs. Next, think about your flexibility regarding the topic. You may be surprised at the overlaps between you.

Steamy arguing

Sometimes we hurt each other, the argument gets worse and the connection less.

Instead… Zoom out and observe your problem as if you were in the middle of the audience of a play. Take turns describing how you see the argument. Remember that each of your views is valid.

Talk about yourself and your feelings. Don’t say, “You were mad at me,” but “I thought you were mad at me.” Acknowledge your partner’s feelings (“I understand why you’re upset by that”) and identify the triggers if you can (“I felt judged and I’m sensitive to that”). Acknowledge your role in the upset (“I was too critical”) and make a plan together to discuss the issue differently.