‘Teens need to feel understood, supported and listened to’

What parents and adolescents say to each other isn’t always what they mean, says child psychologist and author Klaar Hammenecker. By Tom de Leur

NEVER, ever call a teenager a teenager. That is the first piece of advice that Belgium-based child psychologist Klaar Hammenecker offers parents in her new book.

After surveying more than 300 teenagers and multiple parents, she carefully examined what they say to each other and what those conversations are really about.

Parents often feel that teens are exaggerating, in everything.

They shower too long, wear clothes that are too big or too small, spend too much time on their phones, make a drama out of every comment, and change their circle of friends as quickly as they change their T-shirts.

Conversely, teenagers feel the same way about their parents. Parents are too worried, too controlling, too hurried.

“Yes, teenagers exaggerate, but they can’t help it: they’re out of balance,” says Klaar.

“The changes in their bodies and brains are so great that they are unable to do what we expect them to do. For example, the part of the brain that makes you think first and then act is a work in progress in teenagers.

“Research shows that teenagers can’t assess things properly. They simply can’t think longterm and they always think that things can’t happen to them.

“Even adults sometimes say and do things without thinking. If we do that, what must it be for a teenager? Their behaviour may be unpredictable, but don’t make fun of it. Take it seriously and imagine how you would react if someone said to you ‘Act normal’ or ‘Don’t exaggerate’. It’s not nice, right?”

Many teenagers appear to be attached to their mobile phones, but that mobile phone is much more than a device on which they scroll aimlessly.

“For a teen, their mobile phone is a social lifeline where they are permanently connected to their friends,” Klaar says.

“You can’t deny them that, but you can limit it. That’s not easy and we have to guide teenagers in a world that we may not share similar views on.

“I know a lot of parents are worried about their teenager’s sleep patterns, but simply asking them to leave their mobile phone downstairs after 9pm is not the best approach.

“Instead, give your young person the freedom to limit their own phone use. If they can’t, talk to them about it. And if it still doesn’t work, then step in to remove it at a certain time.”

Digital education and mindfulness go hand in hand, the psychologist continues.

“In my practice, I often have to help children understand how to de-stress and de-stimulate. This can be done by dancing, taking a shower, watching their breathing, taking a bath or listening to music, for example. And, no, being on Tiktok doesn’t help.”

When a teen says to their parent, “But my friends are allowed to do that,” it can be tricky to know how to react.

That statement is not about the teenager’s friends or the parents of those friends, but about the teenager’s parent themselves, psychologist Klaar advises. What the young person is basically saying is: “Why do you have different rules than my friends’ parents?”

“Teenagers can be critical and question their parents’ views,” Klaar says.

“Suddenly, they realise that their parents are not always consistent and it’s as if they are holding a magnifying glass and examining everything you say.

“Firstly, acknowledge your teen’s frustration. Inquire about the rules that apply to their friends and why.

“Perhaps the use of mobile phones by their friends is not restricted because those friends can manage those boundaries themselves, for instance.

“Ask yourself if you are being consistent or not. And as far as the rules in question are concerned, first give your teen a chance to find out for themselves where the boundaries are. If that doesn’t work then open up a conversation and figure out together what does work.”

Klaar adds that many parents make statements like, “None of that existed in my day.”

“Phrases that begin with ‘In my day’ work like a red rag to a bull for teenagers,” she says.

“To them, ‘the old days’ are irrelevant. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to know about them. Teenagers are quite curious about the past.

“If a teenager is on his mobile phone on holiday with the family to chat with friends, show understanding first; you can limit device usage later. Don’t say: ‘In my day, we just couldn’t reach each other.’ Instead say something like, ‘I missed my friends when we were on family holidays.’

“Parents often talk about their upbringing or childhood. That’s fine, as long as it isn’t done in such a way to imply that they know better than their children, or how good teenagers have it nowadays.

“Saying things like that is of no use to a teenager. Instead, show an interest in the teenager’s world and only then tell them what it used to be like.”

Another phrase parents may hear from their young person is ‘Never mind, you don’t understand me anyway’. This statement does not have to be seen in a negative light; on the contrary, Klarr says, it could be seen as a desire for connection.

“In saying that, your teen is indicating that they value your understanding. They are saying: ‘I need you, I want you to understand me.’

“In this situation I would advise parents to say something like, ‘I don’t understand you, but I do want to understand you, I find it difficult.’ Don’t say, ‘I’m just worried,’ or ‘I’m just doing what’s best for you.’

“Dare to take your teen’s perspective. And don’t confuse empathy with sympathy. If your teenager is heartbroken, don’t make a flippant comment such as; ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea’. Take a moment and reflect on what heartbreak felt like in your teenage years and what you needed then. Don’t immediately look for the silver lining, as it can feel quite fake, and heartbreak hurts.”

Teenagers sometimes experience moments of crisis. The situation can pass quickly, but they can also leave a lasting impact on your young person and it’s important to take those experiences seriously.

Klaar cites the examples of a client who really didn’t want to go to school any more. The teenager’s mother was insistent that she continued with her education and disregarded her daughter’s wishes.

In another example, something frightening happened to a girl whilst taking part in an extra-curricular sports activity and she then developed a fear around it.

Both mothers later acknowledged that pushing their children in directions they didn’t want to go only made matters worse, Klarr says.

It’s only when the young person felt understood, supported and listened to that the families involved were able to move forward.

“Try not to panic or get annoyed if your child is struggling,” Klarr says.

“I often see parents who are overprotective of their child — that is a sign of the times we are living in. And I also see parents who don’t dare to say no and they end up spoiling their child.

“Other parents rely on a ‘because I said so’ attitude. You can take this approach, but it shouldn’t be your first reaction to any situation.

“There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries, but try to listen and understand first.

“I even see a lot of parents nowadays who want to track their young person’s movements by using a mobile phone app. They tell me that, in doing so, they know their child is safe. I reply: ‘Sorry, I don’t know that definition of safety. And what do you think that does to your bond?’”

Another thing the psychologist has noticed is parents telling their child that they’ll understand something when they are older.

“Teenagers don’t benefit from that — they live in the now,” Klaar says.

“Parents often accompany this statement with a prediction, a threat, a sermon or a warning.

“I know teenagers who say things like, ‘My mother can predict the future. She says that I’m never going to pass my exams.’

“Parents need to learn that trying to control things or being anxious about their child’s future are not going to help them succeed.

“Our society is more fearful. There are teachers who say, as soon as the Easter holidays are over: ‘The summer exams are almost here.’ Which means that some students are already cramming for their finals.

“My advice is to stop doing that. Instead, foster confidence in your teenagers and stop scaring them.”