Half the clothes, twice the money. Helpful travel advice as you pack and go

‘Send us a postcard!’

No sooner had the words escaped my mouth than I realised how useless, how redundant, how dated they were. Young Persephone was headed for foreign parts with her transition year class-mates and the chances of her sending home a postcard were nil. Our daughter nodded respectfully and she smiled at me with the politeness that youth reserves for old people who are patently way out of touch.

She would sooner read ‘ Great Expectations’ or knitting a tea cosy than spend precious holiday time writing a postcard.

I have retained a stock of generally useless or irrelevant advice for which no charge is levied and to which no one ever listens. The former boy scout in me, for instance, feels an urge to tell every greenhorn camper to loosen guy-ropes last thing at night. The logic is that dew and rain will cause the guys to tighten, putting the canvas under so much strain that the tent will tear. The reality is that manufacturers have long since given up using natural materials in favour of artificial nylons which remain stable whether wet or dry.

‘Never throw away a map,’ is a firm belief of mine, though it is greeted with much eye rolling and head shaking by Hermione. The loved one believes that Google Maps has replaced the real thing and that a smart phone is really the only navigation aid required by the modern traveller.

‘Never consume fizzy drinks on a boat,’ is a pearl of wisdom hard to sell to those who too young to have experienced the Mail Boat pitching and rolling on its vomit inducing way to Holyhead.

‘Never get off a train in Brussels Central station.’ There’s a thing seriously worth remembering, believe me, because Brussels Central is central to nowhere and barely even in Brussels.

‘Never say a bad word in France about Napoleon.’ The French still love their empero. If you cannot find good things to say about Bonaparte, then try speaking highly of Thierry Henry instead.

‘Never walk on a cycle way in Berlin.’ Germans on bikes make zero allowance for pedestrians who stray into their territory. Not all tips for tourists are rubbish or obscure.

My late mother was not one to hop on a plane at the drop of a sun-hat but she often shared one particularly valuable piece of hard earned knowledge: ‘Always bring a pair of good walking shoes with you when visiting a city.’

Spot on, Ma! A city break invariably demands a great deal more leg work than expected and a pair of flip-flops will not be up to the job. Mother went to London for a week in the early 1950s with a friend and the expedition evidently made a lasting impression, leaving her convinced that the pavements of city were somehow harder than those of her native Dublin. We will never know for sure whether traipsing from Buckingham Palace to Oxford Street in skimpy sandals was responsible for the double bunion operation she required four decades later.

Hermione’s late father loved his globe-trotting and he was well worth heeding when he advised people as they packed to bring fewer clothes and more cash than they first thought. ‘ Half the clothes and twice the money.’ His words are now repeated as a mantra by those who follow in his footsteps whenever they pack in readiness for far-off destinations. Half the clothes, twice the money. Half the clothes, twice the money.

He may also be the one who shrewdly advocated eating where the locals eat when in distant parts and doubtful about where to dine, the logic being that the full-time residents are just as keen to avoid food poisoning as the blow-ins.

Now allow me to weigh in with some up-to-date counsel. Be sure to turn off your mobile while on the ferry from Rosslare to France, or at least to switch off the ‘data roaming’ setting. Failure to do so recently, landed me a bill for close to €50, though no phone calls were made and no texts were sent while on board. As the nice lady at the call centre in Cairo explained when this extortion was queried, the ship is tuned in to a satellite service which clocks up a fortune in charges for simply receiving phone texts.

You have been warned.