Doing the decoration shuffle, with brush in hand and song on lips

‘ABC. It’s easy as 1,2,3. It’s simple as doh, re, mi….’ I returned from a long walk with The Pooch to find the house shaking with song. Hermione was letting rip, bringing the Jackson Five complement up to Six full throttle with all the gusto at her command. That’s a lot of gusto. I took off my jacket and poked my head around the door of the kitchen, from where the sound was emanating. ‘ABC. It’s easy’. My wife was possessed by the Jacksons, completely unaware she was no longer alone. Her back was to me as she gyrated and sang.

The new boom-box speaker was teetering on the mantelpiece, the volume up so loud that it threatened to vibrate its way over the edge and into the grate. Harmonious Hermione was not only singing along at the top of her lungs, she was also moving to the music: ‘It’s easy as 1,2,3.’ Whoosh! ‘It’s simple as doh, re, mi’ Whoosh, Whoosh! My multi-tasking soul-mate hit the high notes and danced around the kitchen, simultaneously transforming the room with fresh paint.

When winter arrives at Medders Manor, the colour charts cannot be far behind. Last year, the dowdy walls of the hall were revitalised with a potful of ‘Whispering Cherry’ – a pink so delicate as to be almost ghostly. The names on the pots display more imagination in the use of words than the works of Shakespeare.

Mention of The Bard is a reminder that twelve months previously our bedroom was given a makeover with ‘Romeo Rouge’, reminiscent of a Venetian bordello with its indulgent shade of reddest wine. Not that I have any first-hand experience of Venetian bordellos, let me stress.

Anyway, after the final chorus of ‘ABC’, the mood shifted to the more restrained tempo of Robert Flack cooing ‘Killing Me Softly’. Hermione matched the song with some nifty waltz footwork, achieving a much more consistent finish with her brush strokes as a result. I watched from the doorway in rapt admiration while she swept away the uneasy green we inherited with the house in favour of a more refreshing hue.

She only copped on that she had company when The Pooch attempted to join her on the dance-floor, rather ineptly as a four-legged creature is bound to struggle with a dance in three-four time. She shooed the dog away, wiped the perspiration from her brow and adjusted the volume on the boom-box down to a level which allowed conversation.

‘Do you like it?’ she waved her brush happily at the wall, evidently well pleased with her efforts. She informed me solemnly that breakfast will in future be taken against a background of ‘Azurean Eggshell’ – a phrase which may be translated into ordinary English as light blue. The woodwork, I was told, will be finished in ‘Grenadine Gauze’ – which translates as slightly darker blue.

My suggestion that the ceiling might best be left white was met with a pitying shake of Hermione’s pretty head. In the lexicon of colour, there is no such thing as mere white, though ‘Arctic Mist’ is mighty close to being just that. ‘Arctic Mist’ it will be, so

I told her I loved the new look and also remarked that it was great to hear Roberta Flack again. Hermione explained that the choice of tracks was conjured up by the music streaming app on her phone. She simply keyed in ‘music to paint by’ and it came up with a selection the app considered appropriate.

I expressed surprise that the emphasis appeared to be on mainstream American pop. Surely, a more authentic decorator vibe would be achieved with some good old fashioned rock ’n roller. Ho-ho. Or how about digging up that old Smokey Robinson hit ‘I Second that Emulsion’? Tee-hee. And, when cleaning up, no better band to turn to than Nirvana – ‘Smells Like White Spirit’. Groan.

The truth is that the streaming service coughs up tunes at random. Otherwise, surely, it would draw on the world of musical theatre with some choice numbers from ‘Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Undercoat’.

The loved one had fallen quiet. Ominously quiet. She handed me a brush and allocated me a section of wall. I set to work with a will, whistling as I did so that well known Fats Waller composition ‘Paint Misbehavin’.