Combative approach won’t tame youngsters

AND so it continues. The numbers rise, the warnings grow ever more stern, and youth is still being wasted on the young. The advent of a new academic year saw thousands of the little rascals descend on our towns and cities, purporting to be there for an education but really just out for a good time.

In Galway drink was taken and they congregated in the city centre, singing, dancing, all sorts. In Limerick, the guards gatecrashed house parties, dragged the worst offenders out by their earlobes and poured every drop of cider down the drain.

And, in response, medical experts, politicians and sociologists proffered ways to combat this feckless behaviour, to curb the excesses of these thirsty scholars.

One Galway senator suggested we follow Italy’s lead and send the Army out onto the streets. That’d put manners on the youngsters, make them think twice about starting up another rendition of The Fields of Athenry at four in the morning. But maybe that’s a little excessive; let’s at least wait until they’re in open revolt before we start ramming AK-47s down anyone’s throat.

Meanwhile, a Cork-based doctor has proposed organising mini-beer festivals on college campuses.

Yes, I like his thinking; corral them into tents, get them drunk, and then cordon off the area. It’d be a bit like cocooning, but in this instance you’re luring the carriers, and ergo the virus, into a contained environment and then sealing it off until it dies out.

All we’d have to do is leave them plenty of drink and a few microwave pizzas and check back on them before Christmas.

With any luck they’d have developed herd immunity (whatever that is) and be free to roam the streets again like the wildebeests they are.

The other proposition was to close the off-licenses early. Shockingly, this idea came from a publican, but his reasoning was sound: if you close the offies at 5 p.m. the students will have to go to the pubs and spend exorbitant amounts of money on overpriced pints. And because they’re all skint they’ll only be afford three of four pints and won’t be in any form for a singsong on the walk home.

No, come to think of it, that wasn’t what he said, but I chose to read between the lines.

Of course, this being Ireland, none of the above will happen. The Army will stay doing whatever it is they do, the beer festivals will be left to the Germans, and the off-licenses will continue to do a roaring trade as we all, young, old and middle-aged, try to drink this pandemic away.

Because that’s the Irish way, that’s how we respond to difficult times, to good times and, for that matter, to just normal, average times. We hit the booze.

However, Covid-19 and alcohol do not mix. Combining the two is like sucking a turnip instead of a lemon after a shot of tequila.

Alcohol is the anti-vaccine, a chemical substance which increases our chances of contracting the virus the more of it we take. With each pint, each can or shot, our inhibitions are loosened, our cares cast to one side.

Wash your hands? Keep your distance? ‘Yeah okay, just wait until this song is over so I can put my top back on and join the queue outside the bathroom.’

So what’s the answer? How do we tighten those inhibitions, cast those cares to the forefront of those young, excitable minds.

Well, it’s bad news for Mr Barman I’m afraid. But it’s also bad news for the off-licenses. In fact, it’s bad news for everyone except those who take to Facebook every evening as soon as the daily figures are revealed.

We’re going to have to ban alcohol. Ban it. Completely. Shut down the breweries, turn back the tankers, and send whatever few cans we have left to the Czechs, the Swiss, someone who’ll appreciate it.

Yes, more jobs will be lost, more businesses forced to close, but the young people will be kept under control and that’s all that matters. Although if we take their alcohol away they’ll probably just turn to drugs, replace pints with pills, shots with spliffs.

Then, not only will we still have more cases, the students will be too apathetic to concentrate on their coursework and we’ll have to call the Army in to make them submit their assignments.