Thanks to daytime TV I have taken a journey of self discovery

THE things you learn from daytime television! I learnt this week that apparently I’m a bit slovenly, a poor housekeeper and a slob!

I’ll admit to the poor housekeeper part. Even the children say the nicest thing I cook is sandwiches and I never knew you were supposed to dust skirting boards until my Mother in Law informed me.

But slovenly is a bit harsh. I keep a clean…ish house. How can anyone with kids say in all honesty that their house is spotless? Yet according to a programme on daytime TV this week I am falling way below the cleanliness barometer that measures how good a housewife you are.

Let’s talk about beds first. Now I am quite good at changing the beds. I do it once a week although I have been known to sleep in fake-tan covered sheets until the week is up. I know someone who shall remain nameless, who changes her beds once a month! I KNOW!! And yet she doesn’t smell!

But did you know you’re supposed to clean your mattress too? And what’s more, you’re supposed to do it several times a year. I have only ever cleaned a mattress if someone has puked, pooed or piddled on it.

Other than that it’s turn it over twice a year so it won’t get saggy.

Then there’s the kettle.

I have never in my life cleaned a kettle. In fact I don’t even know how to do it. If limescale starts building up, I feck it in the bin and buy another one in Aldi. And then there’s the oven. I’m a bit ashamed to admit this but I have never EVER cleaned my oven and I have it 15 years! In fact

I wouldn’t have a clue how to go about it. I am consoling myself with the belief that all the bacteria lurking in there is killed off at 180 degrees so no harm done.

Computer Keyboards are another danger zone say the experts and now that I think about it, there are quite a few crumbs contaminating my alphabet. The screen gets a wipe occasionally with one of those disposable glasses wipes from Lidl but I have never contemplated cleaning my keyboard.

This might be a job for Himself as I despise grotty jobs like toilet cleaning, bin emptying (speaking of which, do any of you wash out your bin? Me neither!) and freezer defrosting. He seems to derive some weird pleasure from these menial tasks and has in the past made us all admire his handiwork re the sparking loo, for several minutes before warning us to keep it in that condition. Obviously that doesn’t happen.

So thanks to daytime TV I have been on a journey of self discovery this week: I am a slovenly housewife. I am endeavouring, ever so slightly to rectify the situation. I have even purchased a new pair of marigolds and a bottle of Duck Xtra strength.

In the interest of full disclosure I can tell you now, that was just to make myself feel better – they will never be used by me!

I AM CONSOLING MYSELF WITH THE BELIEF THAT ALL THE BACTERIA LURKING IN MY OVEN IS KILLED OFF AT 180 DEGREES SO NO HARM DONE