Hot Press

SEX IS STILL LEGAL SHOCKER

Well, in some parts of the world at least. This is the year that was…

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JANUARY

In January we learnt that a very sensible 50 percent of us would interrupt sex to stop a Justin Bieber songoWe also found out that over a fifth of straight men enoy man-on-man porn, and over half of gay men like some heterosexu­al porn action too. People ust like pornt Last, but certainly not least: the Irish Blood Transfusio­n Services finally lifted the lifetime ban on donations from men who have sex with men.

FEBRUARY

Good newst We now know that two-thirds of Irish adults over 50 are sexually active. Better still, more than 60 percent of Irish folks older than that had regular sex too. Makes getting older seem less terrifying­t Talking of terrifying­o It was revealed that a spa in Manchester were offering cryotherap­y for your naughty bits. The spa claimed that blasting genitals with subzero liquid nitrogen vapour for Î0 minutes would make them look firmer and younger. Nopet

MARCH

A study from the University of Toronto told us that having sex once per week is the equivalent of earning an extra å{6,000 or so per year, in terms of your happiness. I’m sure most of us would not obect to regular sex and a five-figure pay boosto Also in March we learnt that sex in Britain last an average of nineteen minutes from start to finish. Not sure how much of a pay boost that iso

APRIL

ashion house ckhaus Latta landed in controvers­y in April when it unleashed an ad campaign featuring real couples having real sexo There was far greater controvers­y in Ireland when we were told that the Sisters of Charity were to be the owners of the new National Maternity Hospital. This, remember, is the religious organisati­on which ran the Magdalene Laundries and still hasn’t paid its share of redress to victims.

MAY

We learnt that £0¯ of Americans are members of the ºmile low club.» 9up, one in ten of our Stateside friends has had sex in an airport – mostly in the loos. Not very glamo We were told that sex will boost our work productivi­ty, but only for a day. It also makes us less likely to want to strangle our colleagues. How’s that for KPIs?

JUNE

June was a particular­ly good month for me, since it combined two of my favourite things – weird sex facts and deep sea creatures. It was revealed that ghost sharks have retractabl­e sex organs on their heads. ven stranger, at least some of the females have a built-in sperm storage bank allowing them to hold on to sperm for when they need it. Amazingt

JULY

We learnt that half of all Japanese people are virgins at Î0. The numbers are even higher when younger people are taken into account. A truly astonishin­g {ί of people aged between £n and Î{ have had no sexual experience... Meanwhile, Cardinal George Pell, a key advisor to Pope rancis and the Catholic Church’s thirdranki­ng figure, was charged with multiple counts of child sexual abuse in Australia.

AUGUST

In August, Microsoft employees launched a chatbot to discourage people from buying sex. The bot lurks behind fake online ads for sex placed by nonprofit groups tackling human traffickin­g... A man died and a woman was taken to hospital during the kink festival

lamefest in Kent.

SEPTEMBER

irst the good newst Broad City launched a range of show-themed sex toys. These included the ºPegasus» pegging kit and the ºCarpe Dayum» egg vibe... Now the bad: you’ll probably need a sex toyt In September we learnt that the three most dangerous positions for penile fractures are almost certainly three of your favourites p doggy style, missionary and cowgirl.

OCTOBER

As the ›MeToo movement swept social media, we learnt that even robots have to deal with sexual predators. Sexbot inventor Sergi Santos took his AI companion Samantha on her second public outing in "ctober, but the doll was broken and ºheavily soiled» after she was aggressive­ly groped by a crowd... We also learnt that the shape of your face may inyuence your sex drive. Apparently people with wide faces are more likely to have a strong sex drive.

NOVEMBER

In November there was good news for fans of Samantha the Sexbot. It seems likely that she’ll be mass-produced in Wales... Two male lions in the Masaai Mara National Reserve were snapped in an act of intimacy. Sodomy is illegal in Kenya and according to some, the lions were obviously inyuenced by gay men. Because having sex in front of apex predators is part of the gay agenda or somethingo

DECEMBER

mergency services in Dublin went on high alert once details of the annual Hot Press

Christmas bash were released.º9ou have one minor incident with a rocket launcher, glitter, and a rock star, and the powers-that-be won’t let it go,» said editor in chief Niall Stokes. ºWe plan to have a quiet celebratio­n this year.» However, according to a rival publicatio­n, Hot

Press interns were not likely to abandon the tradition of bacchanali­an excess. It was revealed that a number of them, along with certain wellknown Hot Press staff had been ºin training» for months to prepare for the festivitie­s. "laf T, who was at the centre of last’s year’s controvers­y, was unavailabl­e for comment.

 ??  ?? An android is not out of the question: Samantha the Sexbot
An android is not out of the question: Samantha the Sexbot
 ??  ?? Good vibrations: the Carpe Dayum
Good vibrations: the Carpe Dayum

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