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Who would be the last per­son you would in­vite to your birth­day party?

Conor McGre­gor. His trousers would be so in­de­cently tight and no­body wants to see a mickey at their birth­day party.

Who would be the first per­son you would in­vite to your birth­day party?

Gra­ham Nor­ton. He has his own wine range, it’s a no­brainer.

Favourite say­ing?

“We’re on our hol­i­days.” I use this as an ex­cuse to get away with do­ing what­ever I want, and will turn al­most any ex­cur­sion into “our hol­i­days” to that end.

Favourite record?

Paul Si­mon’s Grace­land. It’s just banger af­ter banger and also re­minds me of my lovely late dad.

Favourite book?

This is cheat­ing a bit, but prob­a­bly the en­tire col­lected works of Adrian Mole. Sue Townsend is a comic ge­nius and I could read Adrian’s tragic tales over and over.

Favourite film?

Juras­sic Park. I went to see it five or six times when it came out and love it to this day. It’s the law that you have to watch it any time it’s on telly.

Favourite au­thor?

Sue Townsend, ob­vi­ously, and also Mar­ian Keyes. Two in­cred­i­ble fe­male authors who I re­ally look up to. Keyes’ book Rachel’s Hol­i­day is a clas­sic.

Favourite ac­tor / ac­tress?

Cather­ine O’Hara is a ge­nius as Moira Rose in Schitt’s Creek. She’s a queen.

Favourite mu­si­cian?

The lads in The Gloam­ing. All of them. It’s al­ways such a plea­sure to see them live. So many fly­ing el­bows and feet stomp­ing.

Most em­bar­rass­ing mo­ment of your life?

I used to be a news­reader on Phantom FM and once said “tax c*nts” in­stead of “tax cuts”. I also claimed that “Stephen Hunt will be shit for tonight’s match”, when in fact he was FIT for tonight’s match.

Favourite food/drink/stim­u­lant?

Bread. Bury me in a cof­fin made of bread.

TV pro­gramme?

Parks And Re­cre­ation. Leslie Knope is a per­fect cre­ation.

Favourite TV per­son­al­ity?

The cat off the Irish Gog­gle­box. It’s al­ways get­ting into the fridge and I ad­mire its moxy.

Favourite item of cloth­ing?

My Re­peal jumper. Ex­tremely comfy and with a rock solid mes­sage. You can iron on an E and a D to up­date it too.

Most de­sir­able date?

The cin­ema, early af­ter­noon, with my­self. Prefer­ably one of those fancy seats for an ex­tra €3 and I’ve poured a bag of Mal­teasers into my pop­corn. The height of ro­mance.

Favourite method of re­lax­ation?

Float­ing in a pool. My ideal hang­over cure is a warm, quiet swim­ming pool, just float­ing around. Maybe Enya is play­ing softly.

If you weren’t pur­su­ing your present ca­reer, what other ca­reer might you have cho­sen?

Ar­chae­ol­o­gist or palaeon­tol­o­gist. Dig­ging up dusty old shite re­ally gets me go­ing.

Big­gest thrill?

Per­fectly ex­e­cuted par­al­lel park­ing. Erotic.

Big­gest dis­ap­point­ment?

Louis CK, the f*ck­ing clown.

Your con­cept of heaven?

A ham­mock, a beach, a bot­tom­less cock­tail, sand re­pel­lant skin.

Your con­cept of hell?

A gen­der re­veal party.

What would be your dy­ing words?

“Don’t for­get the bread cof­fin.”

Great­est am­bi­tion?

Be­come wealthy enough to own my own is­land, or at least my own pizza oven.

Pe­riod of his­tory you’d most like to have lived in and why?

Juras­sic. I want to see if Spiel­berg got it right.

If you weren’t a hu­man be­ing which an­i­mal would you have cho­sen to be?

A cat. I have a cat and she has the life of Reilly, the bloody weapon.

If you were told that the world was end­ing to­mor­row morn­ing, how would you re­act/what would you do?

Get un­der a du­vet on the couch. Noth­ing bad can ever hap­pen un­der a du­vet on the couch.

Your nom­i­nee for the world’s best­dressed per­son?

Busy Phillips has won­der­ful style. Or else my friend’s five-year-old. She has an en­vi­able tights col­lec­tion.

Favourite term of abuse?

Clown. It’s so vis­ceral.

Big­gest fear?

Spi­ders. Their hairy knees wav­ing at you send me into a panic. Give me 100 rats over one spi­der any day.

The Im­por­tance Of Be­ing Ais­ling by Emer McLysaght and Sarah Breen is out now, pub­lished by Gill.

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