A fe­male sub­mis­sive re­flects on her sex­ual ad­ven­tures.

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She is highly sex­u­ally mo­ti­vated. She likes to keep a num­ber of sex­ual part­ners on the stove. And in par­tic­u­lar, she gets off on obey­ing or­ders from an imag­i­na­tive, in­ven­tive Dom or ‘mas­ter’. And she has no apolo­gies to make...

"BDSM" is sex play in­volv­ing bondage and dis­ci­pline; dom­i­nance and sub­mis­sion; and sadism and masochism. I re­cently spoke to a long-stand­ing friend, whose pen­chant for BDSM came to light af­ter the bit­ter break up of her se­cond, short-lived mar­riage.

Wren had a burn­ing de­sire to ex­plore “dom-sub play” and her fan­tasies in­cluded be­ing with other cou­ples. Highly sex­ual, she lost her vir­gin­ity at 15, and took five dif­fer­ent lovers that year. She has been ad­ven­tur­ous ever since. In her adult ex­pe­ri­ence, no one re­la­tion­ship could ful­fill her sex­ual needs, or not for long at any rate.

“I’m not great at monogamy,” she ex­plains. “I mar­ried my best friend, Paul. He was so sweet and sup­port­ive and lov­ing, and an amaz­ing care­taker. I thought that would be enough. But it turned out that I needed dif­fer­ent things. As I learn more about my­self, in­creas­ingly I feel un­apolo­getic about what I want. Be­ing 40, and re­al­is­ing this, is lib­er­at­ing.”

A friend with sim­i­lar in­ter­ests rec­om­mended the web­site Lifestylelounge.com (the Google pop-up de­scrip­tion says “swingers so­cial com­mu­nity for adults”).

“I started sneak­ing around be­hind the mar­riage,” Wren ad­mits. “I led a dou­ble life for about a year-and-a-half be­fore I even­tu­ally got caught.”

Im­mers­ing her­self in the ex­cite­ment of this new life­style and var­i­ous fetish ex­plo­rations gave Wren a sense of her own power. In ret­ro­spect, she wishes her re­la­tion­ship hadn’t ended with se­crets and be­trayal. But she is philo­soph­i­cal about it. “I had an op­por­tu­nity to move cities for work, and I jumped at it. It was a chance to duck out. I knew the dis­tance would make things eas­ier.”


Her first BDSM “tri­fecta” was with three si­mul­ta­ne­ous lovers. Her “mas­ter” was a wealthy LA busi­ness­man. “Bach­e­lor num­ber two” was a neu­ro­sur­geon by trade and a smart surfer/Burn­ing Man type. His pro­fes­sion and in­tel­li­gence turned her mind on. “He spent his days sav­ing lives with his hands wrapped around peo­ple’s brains, and then at night, he was fuck­ing my brains out,” she laughs. Her third lover was a ther­a­pist. She’d book an ap­point­ment and role play with him while in his wait­ing room. Their ses­sions ended up with hot sex on his “couch”, in be­tween real clients.

“My mas­ter was great, re­ally creative,” she at­tests. “He was a real es­tate de­vel­oper by day. He would give me as­sign­ments to ful­fill while I was at work. One time, I had to cut small squares of sand­pa­per and put them in my bra. My nipples were raw and hard all day. An­other time, I had to wear a butt plug to work while in­ter­act­ing with co-work­ers and go­ing to meet­ings. All those se­crets felt pow­er­ful! One time I had to write “slut” on my thigh, duck into the bath­room and snap a photo. He would say ‘wash it off be­fore your hus­band sees it’. That was fuck­ing hot.”

For her, sex has al­ways been a way to self-soothe. “It’s how I coped when Paul and I broke up,” she says.

Since I knew her as a kid, hav­ing or­gasms was her way for her to han­dle stress. Her ideal sex­ual fre­quency is once per day and at least four times per week.

She has a sys­tem to help or­gan­ise her lovers that she’s named “the stove”. At any given time she might have six or seven “float­ing lovers”, aka “burn­ers on her stove.” They shift from front to back de­pend­ing on avail­abil­ity, and in­ter­est.

Three­somes, or­gies, sex with women, she’s done it all. She iden­ti­fies as “fluid”. She has re­cently bed­ded a few re­peat girl­friends. But her pref­er­ence is for men. Sin­gle now for the past five months, her last re­la­tion­ship, with a man, was monog­a­mous for over three years.

“The sex was great, but the emo­tional com­po­nent and other as­pects of the re­la­tion­ship were miss­ing. He earned less. That’s tricky for me. I al­ways seem to be the fi­nan­cial back­bone in my re­la­tion­ships. In his case, it brought out his anger is­sues.” An­other lover, she re­cently stopped see­ing be­cause he was “ag­gres­sive” to her, once leav­ing her with a black eye.


Her on­line want ads state she’s look­ing for a “dom­i­nant sin­gle male.” BDSM tech­niques are wel­come, but not al­ways nec­es­sary. She has ex­pe­ri­ence with shibari – which is sex-play while be­ing tied up with “Ja­panese ropes”.

She men­tions her last en­counter with one dom versed in that tech­nique. “This dom cre­ated a ‘di­a­mond har­ness’ to keep me ‘con­stantly open’. The ropes are made of jute, which like the

“My mas­ter was great, re­ally creative.”

sand­pa­per, kept me mildly un­com­fort­able while get­ting fucked sense­less.” She wore Cast Irish-8 hand­cuffs – “you can’t move at all” – and spreader bars that “lock your legs open – spread ea­gle style.” All of these S&M “toys” aim to heighten sex­ual plea­sure with a touch of pain. Some­times, more than a touch.

Lately, while en­joy­ing her sin­gle­dom, she’s in­ter­view­ing peo­ple for reg­u­lar spots on her “stove”.

So, how many does it take?

“Ide­ally, two peo­ple would be enough – if they’re read­ily avail­able. If they’re busy, like me, I need ac­cess to at least three-to-five peo­ple.” Many of her lovers are on re­peat. She doesn’t like one-night stands and claims to be “metic­u­lous about hy­giene. I get tested reg­u­larly.” She’s STD free.

Dur­ing a quiet mo­ment in our con­ver­sa­tion, she con­fided: “I don’t need BDSM when I’m re­ally into some­one.” At the heart of it, I guess, she’s look­ing for her dream part­ner.

“Like the main char­ac­ter in I Love Dick,” she says, “I want a rugged fi­nan­cial equal, who’s sex­u­ally ex­cit­ing – maybe some­one who lives in Omaha? I don’t know. I would ide­ally like to have a re­la­tion­ship with some­one who can check all the boxes. If that’s even pos­si­ble.”

Get ready cowboys.

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