LIBIDO: THE HIGHS & THE LOWS
Not having much sex lately? That’s totally normal, writes NATHALIE MARQUEZ COURTNEY, who says low libido is more common than we think, and if we’re more open to talking about it, we can find (rather pleasurable) solutions.
Nathalie Marquez Courtney on how to make sex a pleasurable experience again
It’s safe to say we’ve gotten much better at talking about having sex. Over the last few years, we’ve seen that sex toys can be chic and innovative, not shameful or seedy, and “sexual pleasure” has been dubbed one of the biggest wellness trends of 2019. There have never been more sextech and femtech companies led by women than there are right now. Well on its way to no longer being taboo, the sexual wellness industry is worth an astounding $32 billion. And beyond the toys, subscription boxes and apps, there has also been a welcome increase in honest, open conversations about sex and female pleasure, from sexpositive Instagram accounts with suggestive imagery that would make Eros blush to empowering self-help books with titles like Becoming Cliterate. Not since the 1960s have we seen such a collective sexual awakening.
However, talking about not having sex? That’s not something we’re so great at. Low libido – or a low sex drive or lack of desire – affects a huge number of women. Chances are, at some stage or another, it’s affected you. But it’s not something we chat about over wine with friends (aside from the odd glib joke about no one having time for sex anymore) and it’s often not even something we can openly discuss with our partners. For many women, their sex drive – or perceived lack of it – can leave them feeling ashamed, broken and embarrassed, betrayed by their own body and utterly alone.
But the data tells a different story. A lacklustre libido is the most common female sexual complaint, across almost every age demographic. A whopping 38 per cent of women suffer from decreased sexual desire, feeling like they’re not having a “normal” amount of sex.
But what’s really “normal” when it comes to sex? One of the trickier aspects of a reduced sex drive is identifying it: What someone sees as a feast, someone else can see as a famine. There is no clean-cut definition of low libido. “The only person that can truly define low sexual desire is the woman herself,” says Lyndsey Harper, a US-based OB-GYN and founder of Rosy, a new app that offers evidence-based help and support to women who suffer from decreased sexual desire (meetrosy.com). “If you don’t have the sexual desire you used to, and that’s not a problem for you or in your relationship, then that’s totally fine. There’s no judgment placed on that,” says Lyndsey. Low sexual desire is only a problem if it’s a problem for you. “A woman might come in and say, ‘I used to have this level of desire and now I have this less level of desire, and that’s bothersome to me in some way.’ It’s a more subjective report,” she explains.