A FAMILY AFFAIR
Charlotte Gunne on preparing for the inevitable
As a wise man once proclaimed, there is nothing more certain in life than death and taxes. Truthfully, while avoiding taxes may be achievable for a select few, avoiding death, unfortunately, is not. With life expectancy in Ireland continuously rising, we can now look forward to longer lives, the so-called golden years, which gives more time to prepare for our eventual departure and prepare those we leave behind to the best of our ability. Sounds sensible, if perhaps a little bleak.
As younger adults, we can often consider ourselves immortal, giving little thought to the world we will one day leave behind, but as we sashay towards middle age and contend with adult life, loss and all that growing up entails, it becomes more apparent that forward-planning is the way to go. Making a will is serious business, but in reality the process is usually painless and fairly straightforward. The alternative can turn even the most affectionate of families into the most bitter of adversaries and desecrate the strongest of family ties for good. And while making a will is a good way to prevent divisive behaviour, when it comes to death and inheritance, even the most thorough of advance preparation is sometimes never enough.
All families are unique – some have many siblings, some none at all, but it only takes two to disagree, and this is where problems can arise. In Anna’s case, it was just her and her twin sister. “Being twins, we were very close growing up, although not perhaps as close as people always assume when it comes to twins. We always had our own groups of friends in school and my mother had ensured we were always treated as individuals, which wasn’t too difficult, as we had very distinct personalities. Yes, there were the usual teenage rows and disagreements, but in general, we were very tight knit; although, she did enjoy bossing me about from a very young age,” says Anna of her now estranged twin sister. “We lost our dad when we were teenagers and then our mum to a long, drawn-out illness when we were in our early thirties. Going through the pain of Mum’s illness and the eventual loss together made us closer than ever, and after Mum died, we vowed that we would always be there for each other. We each had our own families at this stage and the cousins were all very close, as were our husbands. Our mother had made a will, so things were pretty straightforward at the beginning. She had left us both equal shares of her estate, and to be honest, that really only consisted of her house and its contents, so there wasn’t anything to argue about, or so I naively assumed,” Anna continued. “A few months after the reading of the will, when the Grant of Probate was issued, my sister approached me and said that she and her husband wanted to buy out my share of the house and live there themselves. I had no objections and agreed to wait until they were more financially stable and could apply for a mortgage, as they had been renting up until then. I foolishly agreed that they should move into the property until they were in a position to buy it outright, and five years later, I was still waiting. They couldn’t
get mortgage approval for half of the auctioneers’ valuation, so they asked me to accept whatever figure they could get, which was well below the property’s market value. I wasn’t in a position to agree; I needed the money, and the value of the property had already fallen sharply since they had moved in five years previously, so being unable to reach agreement, we eventually stopped speaking,” she sighs. “Unfortunately, we ended up going the legal route, and obviously there were no winners in the end.” Sadly for Anna and her sister, their mother’s death was just the beginning of a long protracted feud which irreparably damaged their relationship, and all those around them. “Nobody speaks to each other anymore, and while that saddens me greatly, there is so much bitterness between us that I just can’t envisage a way back, unfortunately. The saddest part is knowing that our parents would be heartbroken to see us end up like this.”
Anna and her sister are not alone. Sibling rivalry reaches dizzying heights when it comes to inheritance, and the financial stakes don’t always have to be high. Catherine tells me about her family of five siblings who came to blows over the division of the contents of their late father’s house. “Our mother had passed away many years previously, but Dad had dealt with everything after we lost her, so this was a new experience for us. The division of the house and any assets involved was very straightforward, and as per his will, everything was sold and split five ways. The problems began when it came to the smaller items that nobody had really considered. Nothing in the house had much monetary value, yet suddenly we were all reduced to behaving like grappling combatants over the smallest of trinkets. We spent a year in turmoil as a family and it was devastating for all involved. Ultimately, common sense prevailed and we were able to revert to the close knit family that we were deep down. With outside help, we devised a system that divided our parents’ possessions fairly. On reflection, we were all grieving intensely and the mementoes left behind held far more value than we had ever really considered,” Catherine concludes.
But it’s not all bad news. Advance planning and honest conversations can usually avoid unnecessary feuding. For Niamh and her older sister Brigid, a frank and open conversation with their mother avoided any potential minefields. “When Dad died suddenly a few years ago, we were all devastated,” recalls Niamh. “But after some time passed, it concentrated the mind and we realised how important it was to plan ahead and have the conversation with Mum and ensure there were no surprises down the line. We all sat down and talked it through, and while it’s not exactly an uplifting conversation to have, it is the practical thing to do. There is a massive sense of relief to know that all the necessary planning has been done and that everybody is on the same page. The most important thing to us was to make sure that Mum’s wishes were recorded and that any petty grievances were aired now, and not after her death. Luckily for us, there weren’t really any. We had seen friends of ours disagree over inheritance at a time when all your energy is sapped by grief, and it was very sad to witness. We knew that we needed to avoid that situation and just concentrate on enjoying the remaining years we have with Mum.”
The passing of a parent or a close family member can be a devastating period, and while disagreements can happen, mostly they can be avoided with some sensible advance planning. While making a will goes a long way to avoid future trauma, an open and honest conversation is often the best step to ensuring a harmonious family across the dinner table.