THE EIGHT PILLARS OF STRENGTH

These are the key structures that support us and allow us to rebuild our lives. It takes work and commitment to build the pillars – they don’t just appear out of nowhere.

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON WHO HAS DIED

A central pillar is finding ways to externalise that relationship. It might be wearing something that connects you to them, such as a watch or an article of their clothing. l Create a memory box in which you place special objects such as their glasses, cards or pressed flowers. l Assemble a photograph album or write to them in a journal or in the form of a letter. l Cook their favourite recipe. l Post an image online that you know they’d have loved. 1

RELATIONSHIP WITH ONESELF

We need to be kind to ourselves, listen to our needs and avoid self-criticism. l Write down conflicting thoughts such as feeling both relieved and sad. l We need defence mechanisms but it is useful to be aware of what ours are. If, for example, we tend to shut down when we are upset, we may not get the support we need. l Denial in grief is a natural and important part of self-protection. Acceptance has to be incremental in grief because we couldn’t cope with the full truth all at once. l A new loss is likely to bring back the memory of previous losses. We aren’t going mad, nor have we failed to do the necessary grieving in the past. This is normal. 2

WAYS TO EXPRESS GRIEF

My big shout is that we all need to find ways of expressing our grief, and it doesn’t matter how we do that. l For some it will be talking to family and friends, for others it will be writing a journal, painting, making music or seeing a therapist. There is no right way to express it. l The key is finding a way of connecting to our feelings, naming them and then expressing them. If we do this regularly, we begin to manage our pain, which will in turn change over time. 3

TIME

takes on different hues in grief. l Allow more time to make decisions, both immediate ones with the funeral and long-term ones. We may feel pressured to take action because the feeling of powerlessness is so strong, but only time can ensure the proper reflection that is necessary if regret is to be avoided. l Grieving takes longer than anyone wants. We cannot fight it. When we attempt to block it out we make ourselves vulnerable to mental and physical illness. Over time the intensity of the pain lessens and we naturally readjust and re-engage with life. 4

MIND AND BODY

will have been impacted by the death of the person we love. We know from neuroscience that every thought has a physiological component that is felt in the body. The pain of grief is often experienced in much the same way as fear and tips our body into a heightened state of alert. We need to establish a regime that helps to regulate the body. The more habitual the action, the more effective it is. The regime should include: l Cardiovascular exercise, which helps to ease the feeling of fear. l Relaxation or meditation, which helps to manage our anxiety. l Eating regularly, without great spikes of sugar, coffee or alcohol, which cause the body to peak and then crash. 5

LIMITS

When we experience a life-changing loss, it is likely to affect our performance at work and our reactions in a social context. l It is important to recognise the power of saying ‘no’. Paradoxically this enhances the power of ‘yes’, for when we say ‘no’ our subsequent ‘yes’ is infinitely more positive. l Friends and family can get bossy when we are grieving and are keen for us to get back into the swing of life, but nobody else can know what our limits are. It is up to us to pay attention to them and voice them clearly. 6

STRUCTURE

In the chaos of grief we can feel as if our world has tilted off its axis. It can help to build a pillar of structure (with some flexibility built into it, for too much control can be counterproductive). Develop a structure of good habits: l Exercise first thing. l Do some work or chores. l Take time to remember the person who has died. l Choose to do something calming such as buying flowers, having a massage, cooking nice food or listening to music. l Have regular times for sleep. Developing a structure of good habits has a multiplying effect: the more we do them, the better we feel. It takes six weeks for a practice to become habitual. 7

FOCUSING

People often talk about grief as ‘a knot’ in their stomach. Sometimes their arms, legs or head feel heavy. When there are no words for these bodily sensations, focusing is a way of finding them. Direct your attention internally and breathe into – focus – on this ‘felt sense’. l Close your eyes. l Breathe slowly and deeply, three times. l Direct your attention to the place where there is the most sensation. l Find a word that describes that place – does it have a shape, a colour? Is it hard, soft? l If the image could speak, what would it say? l Then follow where the image takes you. 8