HOW TO DEAL WITH A TRICKY MUM

1 Try to understand your mother better and how her childhood impacted on her. Ask about her relationship with her mother. You will discover her behaviour is not only a reaction to you. 2 Write a letter you’re not going to send. This is powerful if you no longer speak to your mother. Imagine yourself at a significant year in your childhood and write down everything you were unable to say – it will make you feel lighter and less resentful. 3 Forgive her in your heart. She did her best at the time and what she thought was right. 4 Rather than waiting for her to change, come up with one small thing you could change – for example, count to ten when she says something upsetting. 5 Keep it adult to adult. Instead of falling into old childhood patterns – such as sulking, people pleasing or rebelling – try asking, ‘What did you mean by that?’ or, ‘Why do we brush each other up the wrong way?’ 6 Make it extra-special. Tell your mother what you appreciate about her rather than assuming she knows. The more specific the compliment, for example, ‘I love the way you read the children’s bedtime story,’ the more powerful it is. n Andrew G Marshall is the author of Wake Up and Change Your Life: How To Survive a Crisis and Be Stronger, Wiser and Happier (Marshall Method Publishing, €18.99); andrewgmarshall.com