My wife is never affectionate with me

I am 55 and have so much to be thankful for, yet there is one thing that is getting me down. My wife finds it difficult to show warmth and affection, because as a child she didn’t get much from her parents. She never kisses me, hugs or puts her arm around me. If she touches me, it’s only ever by accident. It didn’t concern me so much while our sons were growing up as we were both preoccupied with them, but now it is just us and I feel old, worthless and unattractive. A simple thing like a hug or a kiss once in a while would be lovely and reassuring. I don’t blame her – I can only guess how it must have felt for her as a child. I had a loving and happy childhood. I love her – I always will – and she says that she loves me, too. I suppose that I have to lower my expectations and accept the life that I have rather than the one that I hoped for. This must be sad for you. However, it is important to try to overcome the dysfunctional behaviour that we experienced in our childhood so that we don’t perpetuate things by shouting at our children or by being cold and critical to our loved ones. Because of your loving upbringing, you notice even more how closed down your wife is in showing affection. Sadly, it also sounds as though you no longer make love, which is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Sometimes women who have lost interest in sex or don’t want it as often as their husband avoid kissing and cuddling because they think that it will lead to sex. I suggest that the two of you try couples counselling with Accord (accord.ie, 01 505 3112) to revamp your relationship and also to work on how her childhood is affecting the present. Meanwhile, tell your wife how much you love her and that you always want to be together, but also explain that you need to be shown more affection. Then, to help her get used to the idea, say that you would like to kiss and cuddle once every day with no pressure to do anything else. Take it in turns to initiate this. Say that you understand it might feel artificial to begin with, but with time it will hopefully become a natural part of your relationship.