He embarrasses me when he drinks

Last year, my husband of 38 years and I went to a New Year’s Eve party, which was a lovely reunion of friends from more than 30 years ago. However, my husband drinks too much and makes a fool of himself, which also impacts on me. For example, he will dance with me and then suddenly dump me for someone else, leaving me alone and feeling silly. We have been invited to the same party this year and I am already looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure. There are so many examples that I could give you of his behaviour. Because I am so embarrassed, our social life is almost nonexistent. Do you have any suggestions? It sounds as though it’s not just at parties that your husband has too much to drink and behaves badly, but that he has a general drinking problem. Unfortunately, unless he recognises this and is prepared to get help, his behaviour is likely to continue. Talk to him in the morning, before he has had a drink, as he is likely to be more receptive. Tell him that you love him, but there are times when he drinks that he hurts you deeply. Explain why it is so distressing for you and that it is undermining the marriage. Ask him to agree that for tomorrow night, he will not have more than two or three drinks or suddenly abandon you on the dancefloor and that he will allow you to stop him if you feel that he has had too much. Once the New Year’s celebrations are over, you should ask him to get help from Alcoholics Anonymous (alcoholicsanonymous.ie, 01 842 0700). Even if he refuses to get help, please seek more support for yourself at Al-Anon (al-anonireland.org, 01 873 2699).

Why can’t he get along with her?

My husband and I have a good marriage except in one respect. He says that he can’t stand my mother and won’t have anything to do with her. When my parents come over, he goes out and when I go to visit my parents, who live nearby, he refuses to come. I know that my mother is not easy; she is outspoken and opinionated and I find her difficult, too. She keeps asking why they hardly ever see my husband and I am running out of excuses. She may not be the easiest of mothers-in-law, but out of love and respect for you, your husband should make an effort to put up with her occasionally. Marriage is meant to be about being together for the good and the bad times, after all. Acknowledge that you also find her difficult, but explain that it makes it increasingly hard for you if he runs for the hills every time a visit is planned. He does not have to be there every time, but just enough to be polite. Explain that you don’t always like your mother’s views either, but that it would mean so much to you if he could learn to tolerate her. You can both moan about her to each other afterwards. Problems with in-laws often contribute to couples falling out so tell him how much you love him and that the last thing you want is for that to happen to you.