DEAR ZELDA

In 2014 my husband decided to leave and I was devastated. He blamed me for persuading him to give up his self-employed status – it wasn’t working financially – and go to work for another company, which he hated. We had some awful rows. Despite all of this, I still loved him and he would come back once a week to see our 17-year-old son. When I discovered that he was in touch with a woman he had been engaged to 30 years ago, I was upset but I still invited him to family get-togethers; it is not in my nature to be vengeful. I am 56, slim and reasonably attractive. Then I met a lovely man. He treated me like a princess and understood the whole situation. However, over the past four years I have finished with him at least four times and got back with my husband. Each time it went pear-shaped and my husband moved out, this lovely man took me back. I am now with my husband again but I have discovered that he is still in touch with his former girlfriend and has bought her presents and given her money. He has also changed his pin on his phone. I don’t trust him any more but we have family holidays. I know from a friend that this other man still adores me and I realise we are perfect together. But I am scared for the future if I tell my husband our marriage is over. What should I do? This other man must indeed really love you if he has been willing to take you back several times and is still prepared to, even though you have returned to your husband again. Most men would have given up on you by now. It sounds as if each time you have got back together with your husband you tried to make it work but it just hasn’t happened. On top of this, he is obviously close to his ex-girlfriend and possibly contemplating an affair – I agree that it is suspicious that he won’t allow you to see his phone. I know divorce is scary and not easy for children, even nearly adult ones, but it does sound as if the marriage is over in all but name. To be fair to this other man, if you love him as he loves you, you need to make a decision once and for all. I suggest counselling to help you decide what to do, and perhaps you should also get legal advice to find out where you would stand financially in a divorce. Contact the Law Society (lawsociety.ie) for recommendations.