After years of abuse I can’t trust anyone

When I was 16 I started seeing a man seven years older than me. We dated for two years. He was emotionally abusive and, although he never hit me, he would pull me off the sofa and throw me to the floor. At the same time, my drug-using, alcoholic mother and my father were in the process of divorcing. Prior to this my father had tried to take his own life. He left a suicide note for my elder sister and myself and €4,000 each – which my mother later asked us to loan her to pay the household bills. My sister had already left home so I became piggy in the middle between my warring parents while still at school. When my father eventually left, there was nobody to support or care for me and I became the recipient of my mother’s vile behaviour. She then struck up a friendship with my ex-boyfriend and, while I was getting ready to move out with my new boyfriend, she was planning to move my ex into my bedroom. I have not seen my mother for four years now. My sister smokes cannabis and is narcissistic. She is deceitful and makes no effort to see me. Should I cut her out of my life as she continually hurts me? I fear I am becoming stony-hearted because of my past and my sister’s behaviour. My partner would like to get engaged but I am worried that my lack of trust will mess things up.

You have had an unhappy and abusive childhood with very little love, care or understanding. I am so sorry. Unfortunately, people sometimes continue in unhealthy relationships because that is all they know. It is often only when they realise this that they end the relationship, and it says a lot for your courage and strength of character that you managed to break away from your abusive partner. You have not told me anything about your current boyfriend but I hope he is different from your past experience and that you can talk to him about all this and turn to him if things are difficult. I strongly recommend you have counselling because of all that you have gone through and also to help you learn to trust your partner and decide what to do about your sister. Her behaviour is damaging to you and she sounds unlikely to change, so it is probably best to distance yourself from her. However, it is also painful to cut people out of our lives, so find a counsellor through the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (iacp.ie), who will help you talk all this through.