She’d love another baby but he says no

My daughter and her husband have two children – a boy of four and a girl of nearly three. However, my daughter is desperate for another baby and, as she is nearing 40, she knows her chances of conceiving are diminishing. Her husband has given a flat no to a third child and refuses to discuss it further. He is the breadwinner and she has put her career on hold to have children. Money isn’t an issue. It seems to be a lose-lose situation: if they have a third child, her husband will resent it; if they don’t, she might never forgive him. How do couples reach an agreement on this?

This is a difficult situation as there is no possible compromise. It is hard for your daughter that her husband won’t talk to her about it and I think she needs to tackle him on this. There could be several reasons why he doesn’t want another child. Maybe he feels that, much as he loves his children, they take up a lot of his wife’s time and that he would like more time as a couple. Perhaps their sex life has declined and he feels that if they have a third child it will dwindle even more. You say that money isn’t an issue but perhaps it is. While he may be a high earner, he may nevertheless feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and perhaps he is looking to the future and thinking that he will never be able to retire if he has to support them all. Your daughter needs to explain to him that she is worried she will always resent him if he won’t at least talk to her about it and that it could erode their marriage. If they can’t resolve this issue between them, they could have counselling together at Accord (accord.ie). Remember also that some couples who are desperate for children are not able to have them at all.