She’s cheating on him… should we interfere?

QMy sister is beside herself with worry. Her daughter is an attractive professional woman in her 20s who met a wonderful young man a year ago. She was so happy and told my sister that ‘he’s the one’. She has introduced him to the whole family and we all adore him. However, not long after they met, a former colleague of hers came back into her life. She never had a proper relationship with him but they used to have casual sex. Now he has apparently told my niece that he loves her and she has started seeing him again. They regularly meet for sex and my niece has told my sister that she cannot stop seeing him, despite knowing that her boyfriend is the better choice. We all feel so sad that the only person who doesn’t know about this is her lovely boyfriend. What do we do? My sister has had so many arguments with her daughter about this but it doesn’t change a thing.

AOf course your sister is concerned, but she needs to stand back a little and stop worrying so much. This is really her daughter’s problem to solve and she can’t make her behave in the way she wants her to – your niece has to take responsibility for her own actions. Instead of arguing with her, either your sister or you should gently

QI am 22 and have been with my boyfriend for more than three years. He is the only person I have ever slept with and he had only had sex once before me, with a one-night stand. He had very little interest in girls or sex before me and still thinks that clubbing is more fun. However, he has a very close best friend (I’ll call him J) who is getting in the way of our relationship. They have been friends since primary school and J is still a virgin – I don’t think that he has ever kissed a woman. I asked if J is gay but my boyfriend was quick to deny it and is very protective of him. I’ve also suggested setting up J with friends of mine (either male or female) but the idea was met with complete rejection and

demands that I ‘don’t get involved with J’s affairs ever again’. I am sure that J is in love with my boyfriend but is it mutual?

AUnfortunately for you, I think this love is probably mutual and that your boyfriend may well be gay (or bisexual), but in denial. That he had little or no interest in sex before you and prefers clubbing could indicate this. Also, if your boyfriend wasn’t gay, then he probably wouldn’t get angry or protective when asked about J’s sexuality and would be pleased that you want to help J find someone. But it sounds as though he might want to keep J for himself. Even if your boyfriend isn’t gay, sadly it sounds as though you are simply not his top priority. It isn’t easy as I know you love him but, unless he is prepared to talk about all this and to put you first, do you really want to stay in this relationship on those terms? discuss with your niece, if she’ll let you, the problems that this situation will lead to, while staying calm. Apart from it being very unfair on her boyfriend, he will almost certainly discover the affair if it goes on indefinitely – as your niece seems to suggest – and would most likely end the relationship. How does she see the future? Is she planning to marry her boyfriend and have children? Will she still see this man when she is a mother? And what happens if or when her lover meets another woman who is free – which he almost certainly will? Will he then dump your niece? Or will he see two women? It is also possible that this other man is playing her. He might be saying that he loves her so that she will still have sex with him and, if she did leave her boyfriend for him, she might find that he suddenly cools on her. It may be that neither of these men is quite right for her. Perhaps her boyfriend is everything she she wants, but he may just be the ‘safe’ choice and maybe sex is more thrilling with her lover. You or your sister could also tell her that this is putting you both in a very difficult position. As you really like her boyfriend, you need to explain that you cannot keep lying for her for ever if she doesn’t end one of the relationships (or both). And has she ever considered how she would feel if her boyfriend was having an affair?

CONTACT ZELDA Write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email z.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Zelda reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL

I THINK MY BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE GAY

‘She regularly meets this man for sex… and he says he loves her’