5 CAUSE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF YOUR OWN PAIN
channelling my inner mind-reader, I step back to investigate the meaning I’m giving the other person’s behaviour. Do I know for a fact that they meant to hurt me, or is my assumption a product of my protective thinking?
The reality is, I can never truly know what someone else is thinking or feeling.
I can only ever know the self-doubt behind my own actions. When I remember that we are all attempting to protect ourselves, that people hurt others because they feel hurt themselves, I can step out of my story and ask: what else is possible? I’ve invented the original motive, so who’s to say any number of alternative ones might be just as likely. A kinder story will not only make me feel better, it will help me respond in a more helpful way. And personal challenges are always much easier to handle when I’m not wasting mental energy on anger or blame.
Few of us can live a life without some discomfort or pain, but we can endeavour to cause as little of our own suffering as possible. The biggest influence we have over our feelings is our ability to make them worse. It’s all too easy to dredge up an unhappy memory or fantasise an angry exchange. We all have our own favourite brand of suffering, one energy-draining emotion that we indulge in the most:
H Sadness
H Jealousy
H Anger
H Self-pity
H Resentment
The survival part of our brain may constantly be searching for what’s wrong but there’s always something to appreciate. Our suffering depends on where we put our focus. If what’s wrong is always available, then so is what is right.
I’ve learnt that I don’t have to listen to the overprotective, fearful child of my habitual thinking. It may be impossible to control what comes into my mind, and from a low mood my thinking is rarely helpful or true. But I can choose what to pay attention to and, most importantly, what to act on.
Ultimately, we are what we do, not what we think or feel. And to feel good we must act well. During even the most difficult times we can determine how we want to behave, even if we can’t choose how we get to feel.
Happiness is really about our happiness in ourselves. Act well when life is testing us and we may still hate what’s going on but we can like who we are. It is possible to be a failure at something and still be a person we are proud of.
For more on Liz, go to lizwilde.co.uk