‘THERE’S NO GUARANTEE THAT AS THE SCALES GO DOWN, ONE’S SENSE OF SELF-VALUE RISES’
I found an egg-sized bald patch above my right ear as I was getting ready for my 40th birthday party. My father suffered from alopecia and, after an initial panic that I’d caused it by dieting, I realised it was probably genetic. Within two months I was bald, despite being prescribed high-strength steroids to try to save my hair.
At first it was devastating. I felt as though I’d taken one step forward in trying to look like a ‘beautiful woman’ by losing weight, and now two steps backwards. The combination of the steroids and comfort eating saw my weight creep up again. Lost in grief about my hair, I didn’t care and by April 2018 I was back in my old size 20/22 clothes. The sense of relief was immediate.
Suddenly people talked to me about things other than my body. I walked down the street without feeling paranoid. I didn’t torture myself about what to wear every morning. Sure, I knew there would be people who had doubted I could maintain my slim figure thinking, ‘I told you so.’
But no one said a word to my face and I realised I was happy that my body was no longer the centre of attention. I was big again and I was OK with that. It felt less pressurised, less exhausting. I welcomed the invisibility it brought. I knew it was time to let go of the goals and aspirations that had never really been mine in the first place, stop connecting my weight with my self-worth and just be myself.
Today, I look in the mirror and I miss nothing about my old body because I’m no longer public property, under constant scrutiny. People tell me I’m beautiful now, with no reference to my size or shape, because I believe they see the confidence I have. It’s been two years since I ditched my wigs and stopped breathing in to look slimmer. I feel authentic now, for the first time in my life. I’m not the ‘jolly’ fat friend Lizi or the slim, glamorous Lizi, always perfectly coiffured. I’ve stopped playing a part to satisfy others.
It’s taken me most of my adult life to understand that becoming thin, when you’ve once been bigger, isn’t necessarily the body-image holy grail my generation of women were sold. For me it brought with it a spectrum of negative emotions, criticism and intrusion that I never expected and never want to experience again. Today, I’m just Lizi – and, finally, I realise that I’m good enough.
Lizi is the author of How To Feel Beautiful, available from amazon.ie