My addictions have destroyed my life
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QI am struggling with an addiction to cocaine and alcohol which I’ve had, on and off, for more than 20 years. Since my last child left home it has got worse. I hate and love what I do. However, I have isolated myself from my family. I have no friends or boyfriend. Living alone is horrendous. I had a good job as a trainee probation officer, but handed in my notice because I couldn’t work and take drugs at the same time. I also have not stuck to my sessions with the local drug agency and they have now taken me off their books. I am on Prozac but I only seem happy when I am taking drugs or drinking. I sleep most days so that I do not have to face reality because as soon as I wake up I hate my life and where I live. Where do I go from here?
AI think to begin with you need to treat yourself with compassion. Addictions do not usually arise from nowhere. They start from an emptiness that the highs seem to fill. Perhaps they mask deep pain, which could have arisen from feeling unsafe or unloved, the death of a parent, or an unstable or abusive childhood. Perhaps they come from being bullied at school or having a damaging relationship. Sometimes they start from poverty or lack of hope. Other times from inner demons or mental health issues. But drugs and alcohol lead straight back to emptiness. The addiction becomes the only thing that matters and alienates you from your family. Although you will be experiencing self-hatred, remember that it was because you were suffering that you started down this path and you deserve forgiveness. You say that you both love and hate your addiction, but question that love. Is it love that causes you to make self-destructive choices? That drives your family away and that, if you persist, will ultimately kill you? You know it is not. I am sure that you must desperately miss your children, so write down in large letters, ‘I love my children more than I love drugs or alcohol’, and put it somewhere prominent. Every time you feel tempted, look at it and think: ‘Do I really need this fix/drink or would I rather see my children?’ Your family will have suffered a great deal, but it is never too late to turn your life around and perhaps restore the bonds with them. It may be that they could also help you to move. It is not easy to change where you live, but the associations of a place can reinforce a habit. Also, you must be getting the drugs from somewhere, so to move away from those contacts would help. Sleeping all day is a sign of depression, so go to your GP and ask for help. Exercise is also essential. It is sad that the drugs agency has taken you off its books, but can you try a different service?
You really need therapy, support and a mentor. You can find local services at rutlandcentre.ie and addictionrecoveryireland.ie.
I quit a very good job because I couldn’t take drugs and work
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