He’s selfish and I want to leave him

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

QMy husband is not the man I married and we are increasingly living separate lives in the same house. We have two children aged ten and six, and the problems seemed to start when our youngest was born. We were both in our 40s – though my husband is eight years older – and were traumatised by the difficult delivery. I was exhausted and our physical relationship suffered. But he’s never made an attempt to get the spark back. When I’ve tried to talk about it or suggested a night away, he says he’s tired. He goes to bed at 8pm and watches TV on his iPad so I spend most evenings alone. We do nothing as a couple and rarely go out as a family. He didn’t come on holiday with us last year. When we first met, he had an interesting life and he involved me in his world, but over the years our views have diverged and we now have heated arguments over politics. He doesn’t care about my concerns, such as our children’s school. He has also become self-centred. If I talk to him about my day or how I’m feeling, he turns the conversation to himself. I have told him it upsets me, but he hates being criticised and it leads to an argument. I can’t bear the thought of breaking up my family (and we would struggle financially), but I hate to think what my husband might be like in ten or 20 years’ time. I don’t want to hurt him, and am conscious that his childhood was difficult, but I’m not sure we’re right for each other.

AYou must be feeling very neglected, as your husband sadly takes no interest in you emotionally or sexually. He, indeed, sounds self-centred so it is not surprising you feel hurt when he doesn’t even come on holiday with you. You say he had a difficult childhood. If he was able and willing to explore this through counselling and understand that perhaps this contributes to how he behaves, and how much this hurts you, there might be a chance that things could improve. However, he shouldn’t be allowed to hide behind his difficult childhood. It doesn’t give him the right to have things entirely his own way. But what worries me is how uninterested he is in your children. They must find him a cold and distant father. It is probably also hard (though not impossible) to be married to someone with an entirely different political viewpoint. It does sound as though your love for him has died, which is not surprising as you are getting nothing back. You need counselling, ideally together, but I suspect he would refuse. So go on your own to help you decide what to do – sadly, I think this will be to end the marriage. You will need support and help in that decision. He may even object to you seeking counselling, but be strong, tell him how unhappy you are and that unless things change, you don’t see a future for this marriage. Contact Accord (accord.ie) or Mind And Body Works (mindandbodyworks.com) for suggestions.

I hate to think what he will be like in ten or 20 years’ time

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