I’M UPSET BY MY DAUGHTER’S DISRESPECT

QMy daughter and her husband are going to have a baby boy in a few weeks. I was hoping that she would name him after my husband, who died five years ago. He wasn’t the easiest man but worked hard to provide for our children and I feel that she owes him that. My husband had his own father’s name as a middle name. However, when I asked my daughter if she was going to do this, she told me that she wouldn’t. She said that he had been cold, distant and authoritarian, and that if I thought that he had been a good husband or father, then it was ‘time to take off’ my ‘rose-tinted spectacles’. How can I get her to see that she is being disrespectful? My son just agrees with his sister.

AI can hear how angry and upset you are, but I’m afraid that I can’t agree with you. You say yourself that your husband was not easy and your daughter’s words hint that he might actually have been very controlling. That your son agrees with his sister reinforces this view. I understand this isn’t easy for you. Often when someone dies people remember only the good things about them, but this business of the name has clearly brought up some difficult emotions. You perhaps want to believe that your husband was a better man than he actually was. Accepting the reality could be very painful, and you may need to talk to a counsellor or close friend about your feelings. But please also talk to your children about how they found life growing up – be prepared to really listen to what they are saying. Please don’t let this issue get in the way of the excitement and joy of having a grandchild.

CONTACT CAROLINE Write to Caroline West-Meads at: YOU Magazine, PO Box 5332, Dublin 2, or email c.west-meads@youmagazine.ie. Caroline reads all letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally. DON’T FORGET: BEL MOONEY’S ADVICE COLUMN APPEARS EXCLUSIVELY IN FEMAIL EVERY THURSDAY – ONLY IN THE IRISH DAILY MAIL