She’s 40 years older… can we date?

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

QI am a man in my early 20s and live with my parents. Every week I drive them to a local café, where they meet friends for a catch-up. Recently, I was parking the car when one of my parents’ friends pulled up. The driver, a woman in her 60s, stopped her vehicle and as she got out her skirt rode up over her thighs to reveal amazing legs. Since then, I have been unable to get her out of my mind. I did think of asking her out for a drink, but I am too shy to do this. I also wonder what my parents would make of me being attracted to someone of their own age.

AIt is probably just as well that you didn’t ask her out because I fear this would not have had the desired outcome. She might have been flattered and declined, but she could easily have been embarrassed – and the awkwardness of the situation might have had a detrimental effect (for someone who’s shy) on your self-esteem. I think your parents, as you’ve probably guessed, would not be happy with you dating someone their age from their friendship group. The reality of a relationship – if that is what you were hoping for – with a woman 40 years older is that it would almost certainly be short-lived. You are at totally different life stages and ultimately there is little room for it to progress.

However, I think it is probably not this specific woman to whom you are really attracted, just her sexy legs and what they represent – a very natural longing for a girlfriend and a sexual relationship. As you are still living with your parents and are shy, I am guessing that you may not have had many relationships, or possibly any. That is, of course, fine in many ways as life is not a race and there’s no shame in being a virgin in your 20s. Everyone must go at their own pace and this can be a difficult age. But the lack of a girlfriend is making you unhappy. Having sexual feelings that you want to explore but can’t through lack of opportunity can lead to a real sense of loneliness. Particularly if your peers are having more success with their love lives. You may be suffering from social anxiety. So consider counselling and support in order to find the confidence to make friends and ask girls out. Contact mentalhealthireland.ie or jigsaw.ie, charities which support mental health for young people. You could also join kooth.com which is a digital mental health platform that gives you access to an online community of peers and counsellors. I think it would really help to talk all your feelings through. Perhaps in time, moving out of your parents’ home will enable you to become more independent. But please forget about this woman. She has obviously awakened sexual desire in you, but I think that what you really need is a girlfriend nearer your own age.

Since I saw her that day, I can’t get her out of my mind

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