How to stop living IN FEAR

Worry, negativity, regret, self-hate... Fearful thinking can stop us finding the happiness we crave. Life coach Liz Wilde reveals the five most common worries – and ways to break free from them

At the root of most problems is fear. While all of my clients are different, the (often subconscious) fears behind their challenges can be very similar. Here are the five most common I see, and how I tackle them…

The perception of coaching is that clients come to me not knowing what they want to do, and I help them figure it out. But this is often not the case. While some clients genuinely don’t know which way to turn, many more know deep down what their preferred outcome is, but are afraid to express it. Why? Sometimes they just need permission – to know that they’re not being selfish, that they deserve to be happy – but underneath nearly every big decision is the fear that at some unspecified time in the future they will come to regret it.

What’s your habit around regret? Do you use it to motivate yourself? Or do you use it to keep yourself safe? It’s helpful to look at exactly what regret is. When you have the feeling of regret, you are simply having thoughts about an imaginary past or an imaginary future, and then comparing them to the present. Notice that you will never do this when you’re in a good mood, but only when you’re feeling insecure.

Most of us believe that regret is some kind of important message from the universe telling us what we should have done. Not so. Regrets are thoughts and we can choose not to get mired in them. Ask yourself whether it’s more helpful to repeatedly beat yourself up about them or to put them aside and move on?

Every thought will pass if you let it. It takes time and energy to hold on to negative thinking. What if you used the same time and energy to create your new life? Hand on heart, no client has ever regretted their decision. The only thing they regret? Not making it sooner.

Clients often come to me feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship. It takes courage to admit just how bad things have got, and it can take many sessions before a client feels ready to reveal the full upset of their situation. So why don’t they leave? The fear of regret certainly, but far more terrifying for many is the thought of being alone.

This is felt most strongly by clients who have been in a relationship most of their adult lives. They have never had the chance to learn that they can be safe outside one.

Of course, there are practical implications to being alone, but I believe far more daunting is what we make it mean about ourselves. That we’re unlovable or a failure; that there’s something wrong with us.

Ask yourself: what am I afraid that being single would mean about me? What does that feeling remind me of? We can spend our lives running away from painful past memories such as feeling unloved or lonely as a child.

As one popular quote says, ‘Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.’ Shining a light on shadowy thoughts allows you to see them much more clearly. You are no longer the child who was powerless to change their experience. Being single in the future need not be a replica of the past.

The temporary boredom of evenings spent alone is nothing compared with the soul-destroying loneliness of a miserable relationship.

Far from condemning

yourself to a life of isolation, leaving is your first step to finding the kind of love and friendship you deserve. Making peace with your fear of being alone will also lead to better relationships. When we feel we have no choice, we make bad choices. And in case you’re wondering, no client has ever regretted leaving a bad relationship either. experience the world through our thinking, we live as if these scary futures are real.

Understanding how your mind works allows you to see these stories for what they are and refuse to take them seriously. They’re not reality, just your left brain’s latest drama, which it then attempts to resolve. If you have the urge to be anywhere but where you are now, know that your left brain has taken over and resist the impulse to join in. There is nowhere more important to be than this moment. It’s the only place where real life happens.