Irish Daily Mail - YOU

My stepdaught­er has cut me off

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OUR RELATIONSH­IPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

QI am being wrongly accused by my stepdaught­er of sending her texts that say she didn’t bother with her late father while he was alive. She says the texts state that he always complained about her neglecting him and that since he died a year ago she can’t stay away from his house. I would never send messages like that. I have been married to her mother for 35 years and have always treated her as my own daughter. I was always on speaking terms with her late father. I tried meeting her to see her ‘proof’, but she just screamed and shouted that I must have sent the texts. Now she won’t answer the phone to either me or her mother, nor will she allow us to visit or speak to our severely disabled grandson. This is taking its toll on our health and wellbeing. We are at a loss to know what to do or what our rights are – if any.

AI’m sorry to hear about this upsetting situation with your stepdaught­er. It is horrible to be accused of something you didn’t do and for that person not to contemplat­e any other possibilit­ies. One does wonder who would send such upsetting messages but, that apart, her reaction is extreme and it sounds as if she is still grief-stricken. Is it possible that these texts don’t exist and that she has had a breakdown brought on by her loss? Alternativ­ely, could they have been sent by someone with an axe to grind? Whether the texts are real or imaginary, she may be acting out feelings of guilt. It can be hard to ever feel you have done enough for a dying parent, so maybe she is lashing out because of this. If she did neglect her father, perhaps the messages have struck a chord. She could be angry with herself and projecting it on to you because it is too painful for her to confront. Grief can cause people to behave in challengin­g ways. Sadly she is not willing to listen to you or her mother, so is there another family member or a friend who could intervene? Perhaps someone neutral could explain that it really was not you who sent the texts. They could tell her how sad you and her mother are that she is upset and unhappy. They could explain that you would very much like to see her and continue helping her with her son. It must be very distressin­g for you and your wife that you can’t see your grandson – and it is not good for him. He must miss you, too. Unfortunat­ely, grandparen­ts do not have an automatic right to see their grandchild­ren in Ireland but can apply to the courts for contact. Usually, the first step will be mediation. But I hope that, with interventi­on, it won’t come to this. So get in touch with the Mediators’ Institute of Ireland (themii.ie) to support and guide you through the process. You could also contact Orpen Franks (orpenfrank­s.ie) for advice.

She says I sent her upsetting texts and won’t let us see our grandson

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