Irish Daily Mail - YOU

My daughter has made me move out

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OUR RELATIONSH­IPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

QMy eldest daughter died three years ago. My other daughter has two sons in their early 20s, who both live at home. The youngest is autistic and, for over 20 years, I have supported and helped her with him – often staying with the family. But two weeks ago, my daughter told me to hand back my key and move my things from the room I always thought of as mine. She said I was smothering her by being there on a daily basis. She told me that her eldest son wanted my room because it is bigger than his. This has hit me so hard. Now it feels like I am a stranger in her house. I’ve moved out and live full time with my brother. He’s been kind but my heart is broken. I didn’t think she could be so cruel to me. We now just make polite talk. I miss going to see them every day. I’m 74 and it has affected me badly.

AThis is desperatel­y sad, especially when you’ve already lost your other daughter. Without knowing the whole situation, it is difficult to understand why she is acting this way when you sound as if you’ve been supportive for many years. If your daughter was close to her sister, perhaps it’s a reaction to grief or depression over her death. Sometimes, if these feelings are repressed they can reappear later as anger or bitterness. Another possibilit­y is that your daughter has a new relationsh­ip and wants space for this person to stay sometimes. If so, she could be making excuses rather than just being honest about her real motive. Alternativ­ely, could there be any truth in how she views things, perhaps seeing your help and support as taking control instead? However, I really hope and believe there can be a way forward. It sounds as though you have spent 20 years effectivel­y living with your daughter instead of leading your own life, so there is some need for change. I’m guessing that you’ve been single all that time, which could have made you too dependent on her. Although you have supported the family out of love, not many people of your daughter’s age want to live with their mum. So firstly, try to develop your own social life by reconnecti­ng with friends, taking up new hobbies or perhaps studying. Many organisati­ons have locally run groups across the country and are a good way to make new friends while doing a fulfilling activity. Also many would say that you are not too old to try online dating. Meanwhile, write to your daughter, saying you miss her and her sons – and ask where she feels things have gone wrong. Explain how much you love them and that you’re happy to change to win back that closeness. Explain you don’t want to lose her as well as her sister. Perhaps she would be willing to go with you to family therapy – accord.ie could help you reconnect in a neutral space. I do hope she will be able to see how sad you are and your closeness can be restored.

She’s given my room to her son and asked me to hand back my key

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